MAGIC.

The last time I wrote was a few days before my 28th birthday. It's crazy how quickly time flies and how long I can go without writing when this was once my saving grace. 

This summer taught me a lot about myself, about my past and more so; about who I want to be in the future. 
It showed me what grace looks like - and let me tell y'all, grace is freaking hard. 
I always believed I was somebody who let go and forgave easily, and maybe I still am that girl, but when someone wrongs you in a way that hurts the very center of your heart without apology, it sinks deeper and sticks more than you once thought could. 

It taught me that there's a difference between being a woman who is independent and a woman who doesn't know how to properly let people close to her. 
All of 2021 I made this promise to myself that I would let go of this need to lean on people. I became so fragile to promise, to authentic love and friendship. I let this idea that shattered glass could not be completely picked up off the ground, so why even try to pick it up. 

Many nights I prayed that God would show up in the face of something. So with many sleepless nights. I chose how to catch flights, leave the feelings behind and unlearn passive phases of my life. 

I got really freaking good at doing life alone. 
and quite frankly, I loved it. 

I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I booked tickets left and right, back and forth and I saw people less until one day I understood the epitome of what lonely feels like. 

Growing up, I was always lonely. I let my anxiety get the best of me, that it left me with just a guitar and my solitude. 
When I turned 20, I knew that was absolutely who I didn't want to be anyone - alone. 

I once heard one of my favorite speakers say this quote and it said, "show up and stay." 
I remember her elaborating on what those words meant to her and with my glistening eyes and open ears, I let it become my life mantra. 

I carried those words in my pocket with me so I could never forget to become a person who shows up and stays. 
I had been terrified the lonely when I left high school that I no longer wanted to be that anymore nor let another person I met become that, too. 

So I made friend after friend and I let my house become a home while I let my heart become more open to every story stamped on it. 

I think somewhere in the past two years, I became afraid of those words when I saw so many people's seasons change and shift and friends come and go like socks. 

Was I someone who just didn't care enough? someone who shared too much? someone who felt too much when she shouldn't of felt much at all? 

I was sitting in the passenger seat on highway 20 crossing the georgia carolina state line when it all hit me. It was in that moment I realized how much I missed being with my friends, how life was so much more than not being open like I once was before. 

I remember tearing up looking out that window at the fields of green, knowing this two week trip with two of my closest friends was about to come to an end. How badly I just wanted to stay in a moment that I missed so much, a moment that meant more to me than I thought would. 

I realized this past summer that I am so tired of doing life against the grain and it's okay to be a person who loves hard, cares too much and feels it all. 

It's September. 
I'm releaning a lot of things. I am leaning into things I pushed away for a long time and I am smiling through it. 
And I am trying to be a woman who leans closely again. Someone who is brave to feel deep things and someone who isn't afraid to cry. 
There are seasons for everything. 
Some seasons teach you the depth of yourself, while others teach you how to hold hands with those who need a hand. 

I thank God that He showed me beauty in the solitude; in the breaking. 
I wouldn't understand the importance of finding out who you are and doing it on purpose. I wouldn't know the feeling of driving some place alone and parking your RAV4 by the sand and praying like your life was only dependent on that prayer. 

It's September. The leaves are going to change soon, (I hope) and the weather will become cooler. And in the midst of all the change, I hope you allow yourself to welcome in the change, the new and the bright with so much hope and grace. 

I feel it. 
I hope you find magic in the details of it all, too. 

XO, J.