Friday feels.

 I wish I could tell you how sad i was this week.

Sad because I expected things from people and got really let down.
Sad because the text never came.
Sad because I realized I have to quit my job due to health reasons.
Sad because I miss my sister. 

Sad because at 28 life is supposed to be different.

I know in my heart God doesn't owe you anything but you have to just trust him. You have to bow your head and pray and let him. So when things get sad, I've learned to write it out. It's all Ive ever known - I guess its a blessing and curse at the same time. I just pray my words overflow goodness even in the heartache. even in the not so glamourous my words speak love only. 

The last month has been extremely draining on me. Tomorrow will be the first day in a month that I don't work. I've been working two jobs trying to save up enough money to move out, to finally do something on my own that I have been trying to do. I didn't realize it, but the non stop work has made me lonelier than I ever thought imaginable. 


I don't talk to many people through my week. I simply go to work with 6 year olds and I play with them all day - 8 hours a day and then I go to the coffee shop and make drinks for another 5 hours. 
I come home and I sleep. 

I don't talk to my sister much - we once were the best of friends and I am still trying to figure out just what I did to make her hate me so much. But I miss the way we used to talk and go to dinner. I'm not sure I 

I met this really nice guy a few weeks ago. and I thought that we would work out - even if it wasn't for the long run - for a little while. We texted and talked and one day, out of the blue, he just decided I wasn't it. He never returned my text, never told me anything and I think that is even worse than telling me I just wasn't the one. 
Usually things like that don't fuck me up that much, but something about the timing and the high I felt, truly made the crash hurt even more. 
I wish he would still just tell me. 

It's been really hard for me to be open about my life lately. It feel so foreign and not the same as it once was. I am afraid of what people will say or think about me if i am anything but happy and joyful. But that is the real problem - we have become people who think people just complain when they aren't showing off their joyful selves. and I hate that. 

I am trying to be better at opening up again. 
So this is my first attempt. 

I know that the storms of life will pass and the flowers will bloom again. I know that life has the best, most beautiful kind of moments, too. And I sure as hell have felt them. I think this week just ruined my in ways that set me back again. 

I know God is for me and not against me. So I am trying. and I will go into the next week with so much more hope and clarity - even if it takes some internal convincing. 

here's a rant for the night. 

Goodnight. 
XO, J.