MY LOVE, YOU ARE A WARRIOR.

I'm now ready to explain it. 
I'm now ready to tell the world about what happened to me this year. 
I'm ready to tell you about the thing that changed me. for better and worse. 

It's taken me months to grasp that this season I have endured is not by accident. That I was not placed in this space for the mediocre. And even though most of my days I have struggled to find child like faith, as I sit here on the edge of my bed, I can sense this tingling feeling crawling up my entire body knowing that Jesus knows exactly what I need and who I am. 

It was August when it first happened. 
I had already silently been fighting back and I swore only the showerhead would know my tears but I guess my body had different plans. 
As I walked through the doors of my house, it felt uneasy. And although the sun hit my window, it felt as if the world grew a little darker that morning. 

I was suddenly on the floor, body shaking, heart racing. My eyes flooded by the giant tears streaming out and down my face. Screaming out for help, but not knowing exactly what I was asking for help with. 

Everything felt wrong and now looking back, I think I just wanted someone to come alongside me and hold me. I wanted to be held more than anything and any soul to look me in the eyes and tell me, "you don't have to be okay, but I am here." 

I could feel my face swelling up with every second as my body gave out on me; throwing up until I had nothing left inside of me. 

I had never thrown up before. I had never experienced such fear that it left my entire body in shock. Up until this day, my anxiety had always been quite a mental state of mind, not also a physical. 

But this day, my life changed. 

I remember my mom above me telling me it was alright and I just needed to breathe. 

let me tell you something - I hate being told to breathe. I hate being told to stop crying. 

But I understand that not everybody can quite grasp exactly what to say to someone who is having a panic attack. - my mom being one of those. But I know she always means well, she always wants me to be and feel okay. 

I felt anything but okay in that moment. I felt weak, alone and hallow. 

After what felt probably carried on for 20 minutes, I sat on the floor chugging water until I felt the strength in my body regain. 

we went on a drive after and we went shopping. And although I felt defeated, I placed a smile on my face and wiped every tear away. But my body felt so off like something I hadn't experienced prior. 

The days went by and after the 3rd day, I found myself again on my bedroom floor gasping for air. Unable to breathe properly, body hunched over and my body giving out once again. 
This time nobody was around to help. It was me against my body and I want to tell you that I got up and carried on with my day - but I didn't. 

I sat on my floor, cried a thousand tears and hoped God saw me there. I prayed God would show up in the form of a phone call from a friend or a text saying I wasn't alone. 

But nothing. 

From August through mid November , I experienced 2-3 panic attacks a week. I felt defeated. Prior to August, it wasn’t this bad, it was self manageable. 

But the days kept coming and I tried to fight it but anxiousness kept rising around my every day life. 

I couldn't keep food down long enough and I couldn't make it past 5pm without crying. 
I started to forget the simple things and my memory blurred. 
Any thing that set my routine off a little sent me straight into a panic. 
I became silent, I couldn't leave my room most days and the thought of smiling with friends drained the hell out of me. 

I wasn't me and I was tired. 
I was more exhausted than I had ever felt and my body hurt every day. 
I was on edge and I was scared that another panic attack would follow me into the next morning. 

I lived my life normally on the outside of my house but I was careful. I knew how much to say and when I felt off, I would go home instead of being afraid in public. 

I missed a lot of work and still I feel as if they probably think i suck there since I barely went all Fall semester. 

I was in my head a lot and it was hard to explain the adrenline that kept rushing through my veins.

The tiniest arguments set me off and it felt as if one bad thing led to another. The loud noises. the simple sound of a hairbrush falling on the floor or the slam of a door made me instantly cry. 
I was so embarrassed that the echoes in the rooms I walked though led me to anxious days. 
irrational thoughts became more present to me than I had ever had to experience and I had no idea how to decode it. 

That's the hardest part: trying to decode something. 

I could feel insecurity run up my sleeve in conversations I had with friends because I was holding onto a thin twine of joy. 

I had little to say and little to give because I was wrapped in anxiousness. 
wrapped in grief. 

in the moment, I couldn't tell you what was causing all these panic attacks, but with proper therapy, journaling and praying - i know exactly what sparked this season. 

unhealed trauma I have ignored.

You always think you can escape things, but those things will always come back to haunt you until you feed it. 

I grew up with anxiety. I'm not a stranger to it but before 2022 it had been years since it's been this wild.

My dad used to constantly recite this verse to me every time I had an anxiety attack. He would look me in the eyes and say, "Jess, what does it say in the bible? It says don't be anxious about anything.. but pray." 

and he would hold my hands and pray over me in that moment. 
He would hug me and tell me to cry but remember how sovereign Christ is. 

and I would fall asleep to my tears and his voice reciting those words over and over again to me. 

In 2022, I lost a lot of my faith. I got weary, tired and so angry that God would allow certain things that occured this year to fill me in such a negative way. 

I lost a lot of the best parts of me. 
I struggled to find my joy. 

At the end of September, I got a text message from a friend. I hadn't heard from this friend in a long time so seeing the name come up on my phone shocked me a bit. 
We talked a bit here and there, but the text he sent me on a specific Monday morning was God sent. 

He sent me a playlist and some nice words. How he understood and how he cared. 
It was 8:35am. I remember it so clearly as I walked back from taking my students to the library and how tears filled my eyes. 

I felt seen. I felt less alone. 

and all it took was a simple text, the voice of God and the words of a friend who had no idea the impact. 

But God knew. 

I haven't heard from him in awhile now,
but I keep thinking maybe God sent him then to remind me that my strength
could still be found and people still cheer people on. 

Everything in this year has felt like a blur. If given the chance, I still wouldn't do it differently because I have to believe that God used this for good. For I know my God moves in the wilderness - God still works in the bleak. 

I stand here in December and I know deep within my heart that I am a warrior. I am strong and although most of my days have felt weak, I am not that. 

Anxiety will have a field day with whatever you feed it. Hannah Brencher taught me that. and she is right. 

It had a field day with my entire year. and for a long time I let it take over my health. 

I am forgiving myself for all the times I yelled at myself this year, all the times I got frustrated and got mad at myself for not being able to go out because I was scared. 
When I wasn't fine and I acted like it was. 

I am still uncluttering my trauma. I am still unpacking my belief in lies I was told and I am still shaking off the enemy and all the ways he made me feel less than this year. 

I am still sitting with my therapist every other week and telling her about it all as we go through the messy together. 
I am praying again. I am starting off little by little but I am doing it. 

These days I feel a little more joy, I have a little more energy to make plans with friends and not cancel last minute. I am less afraid to use my voice and I am more aware of what I give my energy to. I no longer enter rooms that make me feel bad about myself and I ignore the voices inside my head that feed me irrational thoughts ( cause let me tell ya, I have tons of those). 

It matters who you spend your time with and it matters how you talk to YOURSELF. don't underestimate those two things. 

If you struggle with anxiety or depression - I see you. wholeheartedly, I see you. and I wish I could hug you right now because I understand. It's lonely and sometimes people think you are crazy but I promise you, you are not. 

I am not the same as I was before this. It showed up and showed me life is fragile.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that my anxiety is gone because it's not. I still find days where I am back on my floor throwing up and I still have days that I spend trying to stop crying, days where I can't get myself to leave the house or communicate my thoughts properly - but I know the process now. I know that this too shall pass and I know my God is within me and I cannot fail. 

But I don't feel alone anymore. I don't feel helpless and I don't feel less than. I feel brave and I feel like I can conquer things with Jesus on my side. I feel as if I can outwardly let people know what is going on without feeling insecure about my struggles. I feel less lonely on days where I don't talk to single person and the days radiate love again. 

This year redefined strength for me and opened my eyes to what it means to truly rely on Christ and how much self determination it takes to take yourself out of a dark place. It transformed me to understand love and worth and mental health on a deeper level. It gave me a new heart. 

Sia writes, "I want my life so bad, I am doing everything I can." 

I love those words because so many days I spent laying on my bed, trying to gain a bit of joy enough to take a simple walk around target and some days it took so much in me to just do it. 

But eventually I did. 

2022 didn't go as I planned. but nothing ever does, right? 

I am thankful for it though and I hope you know how important it is to be honest, to be kind to people and to take care of your mental health. 

1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you."

not just parts of it, ALL of it. 

So tonight, if you are someone who needed this story I hope you pray those words. I hope you look at the mirror and say aloud, "I am a warrior." because my love, you are. and tonight I feel it deep within. 

I didn't know this but I know now: you don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe anyone an explanation for what you feel. but you owe yourself this very thing: love even when you don't feel like you deserve it. always love yourself a little more - especially on the days that are hard. 

gosh, I wish I could hug each of you tonight because I get it. I get it so so much. 
 

My prayer tonight is that you would smile even when it's hard to and you would extend grace even when grace feels foreign. That you would credit yourself for the baby steps - the baby victories. The things people don't see. I pray that Jesus comes near because He is always close to the brokenhearted. 
I pray you see Christ in the pain. 

I've been seeing him. 

You deserve a sheet of gold stars for how far you've come. Claim those words, my dear.

XO, J. 

20 things about life I have learned at 28.

1. Loving someone is not easy and passive. It's hard and active. You must put in the work every day. I think we often times forget that. We always think the backburner is a glorious place, but I am here to tell you the back burner is one where it is gritty, it is sometimes hard to clean up the mess and often times gets forgotten. But, I think it does a great job at showing up for love. It patches up holes and it fills the void. its active, babe.

2. go on adventures. lots of them. and do things that scare you. That is how you will unlearn fear. Each time you step out of your comfort zone, you aren't giving fear a love story to write about. So just do the damn thing. Freaking do it. 

3. Don't apologize for what you feel. Your feelings are valid. It's been such a hard concept for me to grasp for so many years, but it's so freeing when you finally look yourself in the mirror and proclaim that it's okay to feel things. It's okay to be unapologetic for those feelings. feelings are cool, promise. 

4. The process is a hard place. But if you learn to love it, you will be filled with more joy than hardship. Learning to love the process has been the biggest game changer for me. It's taught me the importance of giving yourself grace for the things you are facing. People always want to skip the process, but in those moments you learn so much more about who you are. 

5. Peace is a promise Jesus keeps. Joy is also a promise he keeps. You will find your joy again.
I wish I could tell you how many times I have seen the hand of God on my anxieties. He shows up, love. 

6. Just because you cannot see the victory doesn't mean there isn't any on the other side. It's in the small things, in the everyday moments. You're going to see a victory. Whatever it is that you are currently wresting with. The battle belongs to the Lord. remind yourself that on the hard days. and even on the good. 

7. Long walks cure a lot of things. Get some Vitamin D. Get that sunshine, work those muscles. You will always feel better after the walk. 

8. Donuts and deep talks make me the happiest. Honestly, the best conversations happen over donuts.

9. You can let go of someone and everything can change in a blink. You can also meet someone and everything can change in a blink. I think life is a series of letting go moments, and moments we need to just grasp new things. and that has to be okay.

10. karaoke parties in your car can make any ride the best. I am a firm believer in this. 100%. 

11. Hug your dad more and tell him you love him more often, too. Ask him about his favorite things and write them down. 

12. Spend time sitting talking to your mom over coffee as you watch E! News. It won't be like that forever. and one day you are going to miss it. 

13. Wherever you are on a map - you're okay.
trust me, your life does not need to be rushed. you are meant to be where your feet are.

14. There are some really good people you'll meet along the way. Keep them close. you'll meet them at the perfect time. It's not a coincidence.
I promise people cross your path on purpose. It's so beautiful the way God orchestrates it all. I love it.

15. speaking in front of people isn't scary, and one day you'll understand the power of your words. Your words have the ability to move mountains, darling. be brave and speak beautiful things into existence.

16. God's promises are written in the sky. Look up more. They are in the sunsets, in the way the sun rises with shades of orange and red and pinks. when it rains, the rainbows send reminders of promise.

17. Rest is essential to a healthy life.
I used to be the girl who was always on the go. But I realized if you don't give yourself time to rest, you will always avoid the silence and it will follow you. You will experience burn out. Make sure you take moments to just reset. 

18. sometimes, the most ground shaking, heart ripping, mountain breaking thing God can do is change our hearts in one year. Be proud of how freaking far you've come this year.
seriously. celebrate it. you deserve to rejoice in the new. 

19. you are capable of being loved, girl. You are capable of loving another person.
you are worthy of all the things you used to apologize for. you are whole. you are enough.
scream it on the mountains. you are good enough, my love.

20. stay a little longer in one place. don't escape the hard. don't ghost people because you don't want to see them anymore. don't avoid the conversations. STAY. stay because the best things happen in the staying. get to know things and people past the surface, baby. 

There are so many life lessons I have learned thus far, so many things I want to tell my younger self. I think life is only as hard as we make it out to be. I think life could be a lot more simpler if we just learned how to dig deeper into the lives of those around us and ourselves. I think love could be brighter if we just learned to lay down the sword. I believe we are all just people trying to make it in a world that has taught us so hard how to be hardcore. So here are 20 things I am telling myself lately and 20 things I want to tell you - scream it on top of the mounatains if you must. Keep them in your pocket and remind yourself that you are wildly capable of good. 

XO, J. 

Friday feels.

 I wish I could tell you how sad i was this week.

Sad because I expected things from people and got really let down.
Sad because the text never came.
Sad because I realized I have to quit my job due to health reasons.
Sad because I miss my sister. 

Sad because at 28 life is supposed to be different.

I know in my heart God doesn't owe you anything but you have to just trust him. You have to bow your head and pray and let him. So when things get sad, I've learned to write it out. It's all Ive ever known - I guess its a blessing and curse at the same time. I just pray my words overflow goodness even in the heartache. even in the not so glamourous my words speak love only. 

The last month has been extremely draining on me. Tomorrow will be the first day in a month that I don't work. I've been working two jobs trying to save up enough money to move out, to finally do something on my own that I have been trying to do. I didn't realize it, but the non stop work has made me lonelier than I ever thought imaginable. 


I don't talk to many people through my week. I simply go to work with 6 year olds and I play with them all day - 8 hours a day and then I go to the coffee shop and make drinks for another 5 hours. 
I come home and I sleep. 

I don't talk to my sister much - we once were the best of friends and I am still trying to figure out just what I did to make her hate me so much. But I miss the way we used to talk and go to dinner. I'm not sure I 

I met this really nice guy a few weeks ago. and I thought that we would work out - even if it wasn't for the long run - for a little while. We texted and talked and one day, out of the blue, he just decided I wasn't it. He never returned my text, never told me anything and I think that is even worse than telling me I just wasn't the one. 
Usually things like that don't fuck me up that much, but something about the timing and the high I felt, truly made the crash hurt even more. 
I wish he would still just tell me. 

It's been really hard for me to be open about my life lately. It feel so foreign and not the same as it once was. I am afraid of what people will say or think about me if i am anything but happy and joyful. But that is the real problem - we have become people who think people just complain when they aren't showing off their joyful selves. and I hate that. 

I am trying to be better at opening up again. 
So this is my first attempt. 

I know that the storms of life will pass and the flowers will bloom again. I know that life has the best, most beautiful kind of moments, too. And I sure as hell have felt them. I think this week just ruined my in ways that set me back again. 

I know God is for me and not against me. So I am trying. and I will go into the next week with so much more hope and clarity - even if it takes some internal convincing. 

here's a rant for the night. 

Goodnight. 
XO, J. 

MAGIC.

The last time I wrote was a few days before my 28th birthday. It's crazy how quickly time flies and how long I can go without writing when this was once my saving grace. 

This summer taught me a lot about myself, about my past and more so; about who I want to be in the future. 
It showed me what grace looks like - and let me tell y'all, grace is freaking hard. 
I always believed I was somebody who let go and forgave easily, and maybe I still am that girl, but when someone wrongs you in a way that hurts the very center of your heart without apology, it sinks deeper and sticks more than you once thought could. 

It taught me that there's a difference between being a woman who is independent and a woman who doesn't know how to properly let people close to her. 
All of 2021 I made this promise to myself that I would let go of this need to lean on people. I became so fragile to promise, to authentic love and friendship. I let this idea that shattered glass could not be completely picked up off the ground, so why even try to pick it up. 

Many nights I prayed that God would show up in the face of something. So with many sleepless nights. I chose how to catch flights, leave the feelings behind and unlearn passive phases of my life. 

I got really freaking good at doing life alone. 
and quite frankly, I loved it. 

I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I booked tickets left and right, back and forth and I saw people less until one day I understood the epitome of what lonely feels like. 

Growing up, I was always lonely. I let my anxiety get the best of me, that it left me with just a guitar and my solitude. 
When I turned 20, I knew that was absolutely who I didn't want to be anyone - alone. 

I once heard one of my favorite speakers say this quote and it said, "show up and stay." 
I remember her elaborating on what those words meant to her and with my glistening eyes and open ears, I let it become my life mantra. 

I carried those words in my pocket with me so I could never forget to become a person who shows up and stays. 
I had been terrified the lonely when I left high school that I no longer wanted to be that anymore nor let another person I met become that, too. 

So I made friend after friend and I let my house become a home while I let my heart become more open to every story stamped on it. 

I think somewhere in the past two years, I became afraid of those words when I saw so many people's seasons change and shift and friends come and go like socks. 

Was I someone who just didn't care enough? someone who shared too much? someone who felt too much when she shouldn't of felt much at all? 

I was sitting in the passenger seat on highway 20 crossing the georgia carolina state line when it all hit me. It was in that moment I realized how much I missed being with my friends, how life was so much more than not being open like I once was before. 

I remember tearing up looking out that window at the fields of green, knowing this two week trip with two of my closest friends was about to come to an end. How badly I just wanted to stay in a moment that I missed so much, a moment that meant more to me than I thought would. 

I realized this past summer that I am so tired of doing life against the grain and it's okay to be a person who loves hard, cares too much and feels it all. 

It's September. 
I'm releaning a lot of things. I am leaning into things I pushed away for a long time and I am smiling through it. 
And I am trying to be a woman who leans closely again. Someone who is brave to feel deep things and someone who isn't afraid to cry. 
There are seasons for everything. 
Some seasons teach you the depth of yourself, while others teach you how to hold hands with those who need a hand. 

I thank God that He showed me beauty in the solitude; in the breaking. 
I wouldn't understand the importance of finding out who you are and doing it on purpose. I wouldn't know the feeling of driving some place alone and parking your RAV4 by the sand and praying like your life was only dependent on that prayer. 

It's September. The leaves are going to change soon, (I hope) and the weather will become cooler. And in the midst of all the change, I hope you allow yourself to welcome in the change, the new and the bright with so much hope and grace. 

I feel it. 
I hope you find magic in the details of it all, too. 

XO, J. 

A LETTER TO 27.

27. 

I keep looking back on this year and ponder just how much I grew as a person. The way God took my sorrows and turned them into joy, the way I learned to dance in the rain and put myself first. It was the way I began to learn which moments to say 'yes' to and when to say 'no', when no is deserved. I learned more things that I can count, and I unlearned so many toxic things I needed to fully let go of. 

I graduated from college the day of my birthday, with a BA in Sociology with a full 4.0, and the highest score on my senior thesis. Something I didn't think I was capable of, to be honest. 

I spent half my summer traveling up and down the coast and flying back and forth from CA to TN. I said yes to dates and wasn't afraid of meeting love again after a massive heartbreak that tore me up. 

I forgave myself for writing about people I once loved - that took months of prayer; and I made a whole brand-new website and tried and tried again to conquer my fears. IN WHICH I DID. 

I got a brand new job in child welfare and began working one on one with students that need extra behavioral and physical help in school. I am 8 months into it and I couldn't even begin to tell you the way God has softened my heart towards low income students, foster care and 5 year olds. It seriously is so cool. 

I bought a new car, I got rid of my old one because it had too many bad memories. ha ha ha.. im serious though. 

I wrote 12 songs, a full album with no reservation.. just feelings and was so happy i did. 

I got super honest with my relationship with Christ. I spent so much of 26 angry at God, so angry at the way I believed He promised me things only to take them away.. how silly of me. I talk to Jesus again and I am learning baby steps in trusting Him all over again and it's beautiful, oh so freaking beautiful. 

I left rooms that no longer serve me. I closed doors on friendships that no longer lift me up in a christ like manner. I only enter rooms that are filled with encouragement, mutual connection and don't gossip. I walked into new ones that have been the biggest blessing. 

I actually became really private with my life. Something I needed to do in order to grow, today. 

I found healing. like crazy healing. I learned how to smile again. Like that smile you feel when you actually feel it in your heart and you are just filled with joy. i missed that.

I started designing wedding signs for people and being proud of my work. I am unafraid of failure and excited. 

I stopped doubting myself and my dreams. I said hell yes to saving up, getting two jobs and looking to move across the states. 

I talked to my dad more. I missed that and I love him. 

I spent more days with my mom and actually talked to her about deeper things. gosh, shes my best friend. 

I loved myself. I accepted my flaws and found confidence in the woman I am growing to be. 

I bought more concert tickets that I should've, but dang I missed live music. 

I bought so many one way plane tickets and last minute flights that I think I am really good at traveling now. 

I understood that people are people, feelings change, people change, lives change just like the weather. and you must accept that. 

This year has been my biggest testimony and I wish I could sit down with people and just tell them the way God works, how he intervenes and how he makes melodies over us if we let him. 

I overcame so much brokenness and God gave me a new lens to see through - one that I prayed for SO LONG to see. 

27, you were a hell of a ride. I always say that every year is going to be the "best damn year" when a new one begins, but I swear this past one was actually that. For so many reasons, but at the core of it, I think I spent so much time alone - and loving it, that I finally have found so much joy in the details, so much love between the lines and hope written in the sky. 

It might be hard for 28 to outrun 27, but I am so hopeful for this new chapter; this new year. 

so here's to the last weeks of twenty seven. 

let's do it.

xo. J. 

Now go find yourself on purpose, my love.

I remember pulling my little blue honda civic over to the side of that road and ugly cried harder than I had ever before. 
It felt as if everything in my life came crashing down all at once. 
I was heartbroken, my entire family got COVID really bad and I couldn't see them for a month, I felt like my friends didn't like me anymore, I felt so shamed and my anxiety was at all time high making my body weaker than I had ever experienced. 

I drove to my 7am shift that day and tried my very best to hold my smile together. As I walked in, tear stained face and eyes puffy, I drank my iced americano and shut up and sucked it in for hours. 

I was anything but myself last january. I was exhausted of feeling guilty for so many things. Every little thing set me off and i felt lonelier by each passing day. 

There were so many things I have kept to myself that happened that month that to this day i cry over how sad i was. I began drinking in my car like it would make me feel stronger, I was sad and I became this angry person who I swore I'd never become. I was going through the motions and I let it overtake all of me. 

I felt so unlovable and so alone. 

There was a day I remember so clearly and it's something that i think about a lot. 
It must have been weeks into the new year, but it was a cloudy day and I was working at the coffee shop and balancing six undergrad classes trying to graduate. 

I was getting ready to leave work when my manager pulled me to the back office and sat me down. I remember feeling weightless and tired. He looked me in the eyes and asked me, "how are you doing, jess? like really doing be honest." 

as I tried to hold back my tears, I simply said, "i'm holding it together." and I can still hear him tell me the words, "you know the world is falling apart, but the difference between you and the world is you have Christ. and that makes the heartache a little sweeter. don't forget that." 

we talked awhile that day before I left for my shift and he told me to think about what i needed to do to take care of my mental health. 

as I walked out of that office, my co worker came up to me and hugged me. she didn't say a word, she just hugged me and that had to be one of my favorite things. 

It was the first time in awhile I felt seen. I felt as if my work place was more than just a coffee shop I went to every morning, but it was a place where I was surrounded by people who actually cared and noticed that I wasn't myself. 

As I walked out to my car, I broke down. 

The next week was when I decided to leave. It was the moment I knew I had to learn how to heal from anxiety and how to be myself again. 

I went back into work and told my manager that I needed time to find myself again and when I thought he wasn't going to let me take so much time off work, he just said to go do it. 

My last day of work before leaving to nashville, I got my paycheck and my manager and owner prayed over me. I think that was the sweetest thing anybody has done for me. and when they both finished, they both looked me in the eyes and said, "i hope you find yourself, jess. I hope you come back so strong." 

and that next day I got onto that plane and promised myself I wouldn't come back to LA until I was me again.

Dolly Parton says, "find yourself and do it on purpose." and i have always adored that quote because it is so true. 
to find yourself means to dig into the messy parts of your heart, to learn how to love the pockets you've never loved and how to be unapologetic about who you are and who God made you to be. 

and i did that. 

I spent over a month leaning into who I was called to be with no noise and where nobody really knew anything I was going through. I began to find the light and I had to learn how to cope with my anxiety in a way that was new to me. I had to start a journey to health and love myself to the point where nothing nobody said could hurt me anymore and I couldn't hurt my own self with guilt and shame.

I spent every morning in coffee shops around the city, I walked through downtown and let the cool air help me feel again. I had dinner with my best friends every night at their table and we talked about our days at the end of the night. With each passing day, I was healing without even really noticing it. 

I think that was my proudest moment of last year. Picking myself up from the ground and making that promise to myself that I would find the woman I longed to be. 

I remember getting back to LA, going back to work, I was asked, "did your trip do for you what you prayed for?" and i replied back, "it outdid my prayers tenfold." 

I'll never let go of how kind my coworkers and managers were to me back then. They were Jesus to me when i didn't want to even be associated with Jesus. 

and that's how we are a lot of times with God... we ignore him and he still pulls up a chair for us at His table and lets us be until we are ourselves again.

and i want to tell you tonight that the little things matter. The little words you speak over someone or the text you send, the phone call you make, the letter you write.

it matters. 

I'm trying to be kinder this new year. I am trying to be better and a woman who keeps going when she wants to back down. 

Life wasn't magically easier when I hopped off that plane at LAX but it did clear the clouds. It did show me the sun and the goodness of the Lord and how it could only keep getting better, keep healing.

eventually my family got better from being sick and my heartache began to dissipate into the distance and I smiled for real and I laughed like I meant it.

I am so thankful for the trenches God takes us through. John 13:7 says, "you don't know what I am doing; but later you will." 

it's true. 

Trust, my love. Keep trusting because one day you will tell the story of how you fought like hell and how you overcame the things the enemy tried to keep a hold on you. 

This January is nothing like last year and i praise God for how far i've come.

keep believing, my love. now..go find yourself. 

XO. J.