STAY STEADFAST, MY SOUL.

"it doesn't make sense." I keep repeating to myself. 

Last night, I was driving home and with tears falling down my face, God met me right there.
He just knows that the road is my safe haven and in that dwelling place, he spoke to me, "trust me .. I promise i promise i promise." 

The word promise has been so diminished from my life over the last 10 years. It's a word I have a hard time believing in and although it comes from the mouths of those who are dear to me, it's just something that returns void over my life. 

But God keeps using that word in every thought of mine recently and I've been trying to grapple with this and undo all my pain linked to it. 

But I need to find the ability in my body to just trust that God will keep His promises to His children and to my heart in this season, specifically. 

in the dictionary the word promise is defined as, "a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified." 

In the bible, there are countless stories of God's faithfulness and Him showing up. 
In 2 Peter 3:9 it says, "The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but He is patient towards you." and then in Isaiah 40:8, it reads, "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever," 

I know that my finite mind will never grasp the wisdom of God or the things He knows and sees. He allows things to happen beyond our comprehension because He is sovereign. I keep reminding myself that this life is not about me and love still wins. 
I say these damn words in every area of my life but lately, it's been really tough to keep the focus on that second part and hold it. 

All of 30 I began praying for the confidence to trust in the Lord and trust that he would place me in the right settings with the right people in my corner. But the corner I keep finding myself the last few months seems lonelier than I have ever experienced. 

I don't talk much about dating in my writing anymore but today that's going to change because lately, it's the area of my life where it all feels grey and maybe someone else can relate to the clouds, too. 

It's been 2 years since I've truly dated anybody -- and I mean, like, actually liking a person and letting the butterflies flow and feelings talk. 
I truly didn't know how to start over after my last relationship ended. I had no idea how to get to know someone new and be okay with new things. 

So I got on dating apps to practice talking to people and while doing that, I spent a full year finding out who I wanted to be and who I didn't want to be any longer. I got real honest with the face in the mirror and I started taking care of my emotional, mental and physical well being. 
In that year, I prayed that I wouldn't let anybody make me feel inferior ever again. I wouldn't find myself in another toxic relationship where I felt unworthy of being my authentic self and I would always be honest and confident. 
I got good at being alone and independent. I got comfortable in doing things for myself and every time someone asked me if I felt behind in life at all my answer was always, "not at all." 

October of last year, I knew I wanted to meet someone for real this time. I sat with my best friend in the middle of a small dive bar off the road in Boulder, Colorado when she asked me if I was ready to meet someone and if my heart was in a good spot. 
I remember crying because in the pit of my soul, I wanted more than anything, to find my life partner. I wanted to get married and have a family and feel beautiful for someone. 
so I told her, "I am." 

so I did start being intentional about wanting to go out and let someone take me on a date. 
and then I went on one, two, three... and each time it just wasn't it. 

I kept putting myself out there and saying yes to people. 
sometimes, I would cancel and other times, they would. 

sometimes it all seemed hopeful in the texts and then I would leave the date feeling another ick. 
other times, it would be all texts and nothing planned, fizzled out and leave me feeling annoyed as hell because like why do people suck. 

Then a few things started to seem light. 

Back in February, I started talking to someone who I started to think would be a good thing -- but I soon learned quickly all he wanted from me was my body and each time I tried to say no, the conversation would circle back around to same thing. 
and I'm no prude, trust me, but the manipulation stung more than anything.

In April, I met someone else. we had a lot in common.. or so it seemed. but every time he'd make a plan to go out, he cancelled on me last minute. I really began to feel so cheapened. 

I'm going to be honest, after so many failed dates and two "almost" I felt pretty freaking sad but on one random Monday, I got a message from someone I had completely forgotten about and out of blue, we hit it off so effortlessly. 

He kept his word and we went out, then we went out a second time and then a third, he called and facetimed me when he said he would and for the first time in 2 years, I told my mom about someone.
I was happy.
he was intentional, kind and the way our humor and thoughts intertwined, it all felt right. 
Then on a random Wednesday, he just never returned my text. he never told me any kind of, "why" & did it all so casually. and to be the most real right now, I finally feel defeated in all of this. 

I hadn't wanted to be real with my feelings and say that it hurts -- but it did and it does. 
"this world has nothing to do with me and love still wins," RIGHT?! that's always been my coping mechanism -- to remember that I can't get upset.
But this time, I broke down. Like really. In my car, in the shower, at my mom's house and in my living room with my roommate. 

and I kept replaying why I was so triggered by the silence. and I realized, silence is my biggest stronghold and enemy. 

I was blindsided. by something so good. 

now, I'm trying to be very careful to not use feeling into this post because I have had time to process my feelings in the last week and as I was doing so, it dawned on me why this one hurts the most: 

I don't trust the promise. 

The promise that my God is a God of love stories and there is a God destined path for my life and it unfolds like perfect poetry. 
That He who Promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23) and it's not my job to decode anything but just lift my hands and bow my head in the confusion and the sad. 

for a moment, I had this hope and feeling that maybe this would be the time I got it right. That someone looked me in the eyes and wanted to know me. 

and maybe he did but it's really not my job to know anymore. 

I must let go of what I think my life should look like and be like. The timelines, the plans, the versions of myself I keep forcing to feel in control. 
and here, we pivot. 
and we find a way. 
and we keep going. 
and we absolutely try to find the little seed of faith that God keeps His promises. 
so here's what I am going to conclude with:
sometimes sitting in the silence -- really sitting in that excruciating pain and muttering the words, "I don't understand" and "it doesn't make sense," over and over to God -- sometimes, that's the most intimate and raw and spiritual thing. 

that's the holiest thing you can do with your life. Just release it all unfiltered. Sometimes what we think is the least "holy" is actually so close to the very heart of God. 

I can hear it again, "Trust me... I promise I promise I promise" 

If you're anything like me and you are feeling a bit defeated .. no matter if it's your love life and just wanting something deeper or if it's another area of your life that feels a little hopeless, I am cheering you on and I hope you know that in the midst of all the confusion and misunderstanding, God is orchestrating things in your favor. 

The hardest thing to do is say, "thy will be done" and give it to Jesus. 
But it's worth a shot.
when I stand back from all of it, I let Him move. and I will keep letting him move even if its hurts my heart a bit, even if the waiting season is the hardest thing I do, I let Him move. 

so my love, let Him move. 
Trust Him... He promises, He promises, He promises. 


XO, J. 

13 FOR 31, LOVE.

13 THINGS FOR 31. 

I am a firm believer in the way words matter, so here are 13 things I am taking into this year of life and I hope YOU also can learn from, too. 

1. the anthem for my entire life has always been this: SHOW UP. it's still the same at 31. 
if you want something bad enough, you will show up in whatever it is that looks like. 
you can have excuse after excuse, but at the heart of who we are -- if you want it, step up baby.

2. between the pines are where the best things are. 
the mountains are probably my favorite place in the world to be. Its where I feel my best self, where i see God the most and where I feel the most peace. if I could always be in one place it would be in between the pine trees and fresh air. 

3. being scared IS PART OF LIFE. 
but don't let fear take the driver seat. If something feels scary to you, its probably there to help you grow. I think some times we miss out on the next best thing because we are terrified if we fail. But failure, I have learned, is where we learn to fight. so just do the scary thing and keep doing it until it becomes less frightening, love. 

4. you can start over. 
i was always afraid of this and the belief that what if I made the wrong decision, but what I have realized is that sometimes changing the narrative might end up being way better -- you might like your new story better. 

5. Your parents are people, too. 
it took me a long time to be close to my parents but as I have gotten older, I see it all so much more clearly and the way they, too, are learning life just as much as you are. 
spend time with them and ask them questions -- you will never regret it. 

6. karaoke parties with your friends is needed. 
you don't always need to be serious ... some nights are best when singing is involved. And then, laughing. lots of laughing. 

7. cry it out, babe. 
this last year, i tried my best to not let my sadness about anything get in the way. I kept repeating to myself that its not that serious, i don't need to feel that deep. But that was a lie. sometimes you truly do need to feel a little deeper, cry a little harder and let the tears fall... i always say, "you can have one pity party, but then when you wake up the next day you will continue being the badass you are." 
i still stand by that.

8. ice cream can fix anything. 
I don't know if this sentence really needs an explanation, but I've never been sad when I am eating ice cream. 

9. You are worthy of good things. 
i've always struggled with this one to be honest. in my most raw version of myself, I sometimes don't think i deserve the best, but oh i want it, i dream of it. I try to remind myself that I am worthy of something beautiful, real and honest. some days its hard to believe it, but some days I grasp onto it with both hands so tightly. 

10. cheer for other people like you cheer for yourself. 
I think this one takes some humbling but I think we need to be the type of people who champion others around us and want to see them win, even if that means we aren't. I think there's so much beauty in hoping for others what you hope for yourself. 

11. Psalm 23. repeat it over yourself. 
I got a tattoo of this last month because I so desperately want to make sure i keep reminding myself of these words. I grew up with constant anxiety and wondering if life would ever feel joyful and peaceful again -- this verse kept me grounded in the simple truth that: i lack nothing. 
so if you need any words of truth today -- go look this up. 

12.  let someone in. on purpose. 
after a year of truly healing, i found out that sometimes you really REALLY have to try your hardest to understand that not everyone will hurt you. not everyone is your past and if you take a chance on bravery and courage, you might find out that love is vulnerable and it is worth it. 
so i am trying here... i am trying to be open again. i know it'll be worth it... right? haha 

13. It matters that you are here. 
this line is something I tell every single person i meet. everyone. you matter. because we live in a generation that simply is quite mean, honestly. 
so i repeat this to myself, to others so much that it never leaves their mind. 
I think there is so much damn power in making sure someone else knows that they are worthy of belonging, thay are beautiful and they matter enough in this world to take up space. 
'cause you are. 


if you got through all 13 of my anthems for 31 then thank you for reading. I hope you take these things and can use them, too. 

I hope you know I am rooting for you. 

XO, J.

HERE IS TO THE NEW, MY LOVE.

so here is what I know about change. It's uncomfortable and it's anything but picture perfect. It's driving home at night with tears streaming down your face and it's contemplating your decisions over coffee at 8am, it is everything the internet doesn't show you in the highlight reels. 

Change sounds thrilling when you sit and think about wanting it. But the action of change calls us to be in spaces where we are faced with unfamiliarity and welcome in the new. 

In my early 20s, I was bright, bold and so much of me wanted to be a person who was made for more. 

Lately, God has been tugging at my heart all over again with the same exact words, 
"YOU WERE MADE FOR MORE." 

I've ignored it for quite some time because I've been so damn afraid. I've been terrified of what comes after the, "more" part. 

Stepping into a calling when you don't know what is on the other side takes trust and maybe somewhere along the winding road I kind of forgotten about the blindness in trusting God. 
I have gotten way too comfortable in seeing the next intersection - being very careful about the next direction to take. 

I found a group of friends that felt like home to me, I finally was over the church hurt and began loving where I was in life. 
In fact, I still do have those things, I still love the mapdot but somewhere between blurry lines I've gotten far too okay with being okay. 

I have this saying I repeat over myself and over everyone I come face to face with. 
"show up and then stay." 

I think I thought I did those things and that was done, but I have been learning that those things are new every day. You must repeat them to yourself constantly. 

I write goals for myself every January. Every time the New Year ball drops on Decemeber 31st, I cry a little bit because it's the one time a year every human believes in the new; believes in this idea that they can be a new version of themselves if they really want to. 

and I absolutely love that.
Even if it's not entirely true, we all have this sense of hope that we can create a new beginning if we stick to the process. 

This January 1st, as I began writing down all my goals, dreams and hopes I began to realize that for the last few years, I wasn't bold enough with my goals. 
I was quieting the potential I had inside of me. 
For many reasons in itself, a few for words of hurt a boy left me, and some because I was nervous life would completely change and people would grow distant. 

But this year, the beating in my heart wasn't accidental. 

I am going to be flat out honest here: thirty has been the first year I've felt genuinely brave and free in years. 
There has been a lot of things that convinced me that I need to hide in my softness and so many lies i've let filter through my tongue outwardly making me believe I am too late to my calling. 

Amy Poehler once said, "It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been sorry for," and although I believed in her words, it wasn't until July 2024 did I actually understand the depths of all that.

I had lived my twenties in such a way that I began to get scared to move forward all due to words I let hurt me through the years. I carried them in my back pocket without even realizing how big of an impact it had in my potential to become who I want to be. 

I don't write like I once did before. I rarely share parts of my life with the internet anymore and I have felt slightly judged when I do want to post anything more than a simple text to a photo. 

I have grown so scared to be bold and I truly have neglected the best parts of me. 

I created this blog at twenty to proclaim that I knew my worth and that other women knew their worth. 
I walked so loud and proud that God was in my story and He was in the stories of those who came across my words. 

I need to get back to that girl. 
and slowly, I feel God is doing just that. 
With each prayer, I feel Him gravitating towards my heart and whispering, "you were made for more, J. stop being afraid to start again." 

So I am starting over. it's taken me some self reflection and so many tears, you have no idea. 
I'm doing the things I've been wanting to, praying for, and striving to reach. 
I'm putting to rest the lies that once screamed at me saying if I just stopped writing, if I didn't always open my mouth and live life as an open book, that I will be loved. 

I am tired of quieting my voice at the expense of feeling worthy to another person. I've always been worthy. I've always been loved. 
I need to get back to that girl who let people into her stories. Because stories are where hearts are mended. 

So this is the year I will rise up, this is the year I will teach the childlike faith in me to rise again, to be bold and show up. 

I have decided to serve at a new church again, after eight years of not doing so. I am packing up my bags and I am moving because new scenery is good for the soul. I am saying goodbye to things that make me less like Christ and I am mending things that need to be mended. 

so to end this all, here is what I am going to tell you:

My love, if you've been looking for a reason to shift your direction a little, this is it. 
If you've been praying for the woman or man you hope to become, i am going to tell you to keep on praying for God to swing open doors - He will. 
I pray you would open your arms wide, let God make melodies with the battle cries and try to embrace the new. 

we are entering the part of the new year where the lights aren't shining as bright anymore and things are wearing off, but as the mundane might creep in, I am here to tell you that I know first hand that God does His best work in the nitty and gritty; behind the scenes. 

I am holding your hand and cheering you on, always. 

Because, I, too, am in the midst of an ever changing season. 
But it will be good. 
and You will be good. 

Keep showing up. 

XO, J.