HERE IS TO THE NEW, MY LOVE.

so here is what I know about change. It's uncomfortable and it's anything but picture perfect. It's driving home at night with tears streaming down your face and it's contemplating your decisions over coffee at 8am, it is everything the internet doesn't show you in the highlight reels. 

Change sounds thrilling when you sit and think about wanting it. But the action of change calls us to be in spaces where we are faced with unfamiliarity and welcome in the new. 

In my early 20s, I was bright, bold and so much of me wanted to be a person who was made for more. 

Lately, God has been tugging at my heart all over again with the same exact words, 
"YOU WERE MADE FOR MORE." 

I've ignored it for quite some time because I've been so damn afraid. I've been terrified of what comes after the, "more" part. 

Stepping into a calling when you don't know what is on the other side takes trust and maybe somewhere along the winding road I kind of forgotten about the blindness in trusting God. 
I have gotten way too comfortable in seeing the next intersection - being very careful about the next direction to take. 

I found a group of friends that felt like home to me, I finally was over the church hurt and began loving where I was in life. 
In fact, I still do have those things, I still love the mapdot but somewhere between blurry lines I've gotten far too okay with being okay. 

I have this saying I repeat over myself and over everyone I come face to face with. 
"show up and then stay." 

I think I thought I did those things and that was done, but I have been learning that those things are new every day. You must repeat them to yourself constantly. 

I write goals for myself every January. Every time the New Year ball drops on Decemeber 31st, I cry a little bit because it's the one time a year every human believes in the new; believes in this idea that they can be a new version of themselves if they really want to. 

and I absolutely love that.
Even if it's not entirely true, we all have this sense of hope that we can create a new beginning if we stick to the process. 

This January 1st, as I began writing down all my goals, dreams and hopes I began to realize that for the last few years, I wasn't bold enough with my goals. 
I was quieting the potential I had inside of me. 
For many reasons in itself, a few for words of hurt a boy left me, and some because I was nervous life would completely change and people would grow distant. 

But this year, the beating in my heart wasn't accidental. 

I am going to be flat out honest here: thirty has been the first year I've felt genuinely brave and free in years. 
There has been a lot of things that convinced me that I need to hide in my softness and so many lies i've let filter through my tongue outwardly making me believe I am too late to my calling. 

Amy Poehler once said, "It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been sorry for," and although I believed in her words, it wasn't until July 2024 did I actually understand the depths of all that.

I had lived my twenties in such a way that I began to get scared to move forward all due to words I let hurt me through the years. I carried them in my back pocket without even realizing how big of an impact it had in my potential to become who I want to be. 

I don't write like I once did before. I rarely share parts of my life with the internet anymore and I have felt slightly judged when I do want to post anything more than a simple text to a photo. 

I have grown so scared to be bold and I truly have neglected the best parts of me. 

I created this blog at twenty to proclaim that I knew my worth and that other women knew their worth. 
I walked so loud and proud that God was in my story and He was in the stories of those who came across my words. 

I need to get back to that girl. 
and slowly, I feel God is doing just that. 
With each prayer, I feel Him gravitating towards my heart and whispering, "you were made for more, J. stop being afraid to start again." 

So I am starting over. it's taken me some self reflection and so many tears, you have no idea. 
I'm doing the things I've been wanting to, praying for, and striving to reach. 
I'm putting to rest the lies that once screamed at me saying if I just stopped writing, if I didn't always open my mouth and live life as an open book, that I will be loved. 

I am tired of quieting my voice at the expense of feeling worthy to another person. I've always been worthy. I've always been loved. 
I need to get back to that girl who let people into her stories. Because stories are where hearts are mended. 

So this is the year I will rise up, this is the year I will teach the childlike faith in me to rise again, to be bold and show up. 

I have decided to serve at a new church again, after eight years of not doing so. I am packing up my bags and I am moving because new scenery is good for the soul. I am saying goodbye to things that make me less like Christ and I am mending things that need to be mended. 

so to end this all, here is what I am going to tell you:

My love, if you've been looking for a reason to shift your direction a little, this is it. 
If you've been praying for the woman or man you hope to become, i am going to tell you to keep on praying for God to swing open doors - He will. 
I pray you would open your arms wide, let God make melodies with the battle cries and try to embrace the new. 

we are entering the part of the new year where the lights aren't shining as bright anymore and things are wearing off, but as the mundane might creep in, I am here to tell you that I know first hand that God does His best work in the nitty and gritty; behind the scenes. 

I am holding your hand and cheering you on, always. 

Because, I, too, am in the midst of an ever changing season. 
But it will be good. 
and You will be good. 

Keep showing up. 

XO, J.