DEAR B, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

Dear B, 
It's been years since I've written you. I guess I haven't because I've been afraid of going past the surface and opening up again. I am terrified to feel deep for the sake of hurting, so I've been ignoring it all. But to be honest, life has been hard and I'm finally crying. I know you said you would always be there for me, so here I am writing to you again. 
When I turned 29, I blew out my candles and said, "29 is going to be good." but to be really freaking honest, 29 has been more of trying to tell myself I am strong. some days my strong looks like understanding the depths and goodness of God and some days strong has looked a lot like having a breakdown on my bedroom floor and letting myself be okay with it. 

But you'd be really proud of me though, B! I have stayed true to who I am through it all and have been trying really hard to not let fear take the driver's seat in the car. It's so easy to confuse fear and intuition - but I have been tackling those words & praying when I am scared to know which it is my heart is beating for.

I have felt a love so deep I didn't think existed, but I have also felt my heart break so deep I also didn't think it existed. 
I have seen more people die in this last year than I ever have before, and I have witnessed so much grief over different things than I even want to admit on this paper. the grief has finally come to the surface in me, B. I thought I dealt with it, but I am realizing I haven't really. 

I don't understand why people leave, B. I don't get why it's so easy for people to say goodbye at night and get up in the morning with no tears in their eyes. I wrote a book this last year about staying in places long enough to root myself in them. When I started to write this book, I questioned whether I wanted people to read it because it was so personal. I got scared again - I didn't want to admit it but I wrote the book because I am still scared that I don't matter enough to people. At the core of who I am, I want someone to call me up and tell me that I am good enough to fight for. I just want to be fought for.
But nobody ever has. 

So I wrote these stories to grapple with the fact that I needed to be that person to me. That if I could be that person to show up for people the way I want people to show up for me - then I could do anything this life throws my way. 

I am about to be 30. In some ways, I am so ready to begin a new decade because there is so much hope I am feeling and in some other ways, I am not ready, I am scared. 
There are things that I wish I had done more of in my twenties but there have been so many triumphs I have sat in, too. 
I gained a grit in me and the heart of Christ lies in me again. 
I am still mourning the future I thought I would have. The one with the house between the pines and his hand in mine. 
But I am hopeful that God is moving mountains in my life, B. I have to believe that my God is a God of miracles, of sweet love stories and He can do what my eyes cannot see. 

The last 2 months have been some of the hardest months. 
I knew as soon as that ball dropped on NYE that I was walking into one of my saddest stories. I stopped getting sloppy drunk, B. I learned my lesson that night, but I don't hold a grudge over myself over that night. My mistakes don't define me, and I have grown to be a woman who takes accountability for things she should not have done or said. 

But I still wish he could have looked me in the eyes and said, "let's fix this" instead. 

I have sat and wondered why i am so replaceable. I have had to fight against the enemy's lies so much the last few months because I know deep in my heart the devil wants me to believe that I am still my past because of that night. 
I know I am not who I once was, but it's hard to look into the mirror some nights. 

I refuse with all my heart to let the enemy win. I know that there are things about me that still get triggered, B. I freaking know that sometimes I let the emotions consume me but it's because I am scared. and that's what happened that night - I knew he would say I was a great woman but something felt off. 

I knew it was coming - because I had already seen that same story before. But I had some hope that maybe, just maybe he would choose me for good this time because maybe he couldn't live without me.  

this time was supposed to be different - it was different. 
But sometimes, you have to bottle up the tears, B. you have to bottle up the tears and just let it be because fighting battles on your knees in prayer matters more than fighting battles with swords & words of regret. 

He matters too much to me to fight back. and he probably always will. I just wish I knew if he felt that way about me sometimes, too. 

You know that song, "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain? I listened to that for days because I wanted to believe that about us, B. I feel kind of dumb, but it made me happy for a while, so I did. 

It brought back some of my joy. 

I've looked at the sunset every night since I've turned 29. There's something to be said about the sky when it compliments hues of pinks, orange and purples. There's a promise I feel when I look up and I believe in victory. 
There's a song called, "Greater Things" by Mack Brock that I have claimed over my twenties. Every time something in my life becomes a little gray, I put it on that song. 

There's been a ton of unknowns that have popped out of the bushes in 2024 already.
Things I can't really tell you in this post - but they are things that have repeatedly left me begging God to show His face soon. 
I don't know if I can take another hit in the face this year, B. I am trying to cling to God in the best ways I can lately. 

I have taken a lot of time this past month to reflect on myself. I started journaling again and I began reading on my quiet times. I went back to the beginning of my twenties and decoded all the ways I have grown and all the ways the seasons have changed and what I need to continue to lean close into. 
I am finally going to start a side business like I've dreamt of - with my best friend. Using my art has always been a dream of mine. 
Creating helps me become a better person. 
I love seeing people's faces light up when they see pretty signs and let me help celebrate the biggest day of their lives. 

I've been saving for an apartment and I have been working out. I have invested in my well being and finally getting sleep again. 

29, they say, is the year you're supposed to find yourself and in all of it's ups and downs, i really did find myself. It's not the way I thought I'd find myself, but I have and for that, I am thankful. 

I am grateful for this last year of my twenties, no matter what. 
I think there is something to be said about ending your twenties with a year that is filled with so much trajectory.
Harry Potter has a quote that says, "Anything's possible with enough nerve" and I have always adored that quote because anything really is possible if you learn how to just push through all the bullshit and all the sad, all the hard... 

I have spent a long time learning about why I do things the way I do and why I feel things a certain way. I have also learned how to see the perspective of others' lives, too. 
It's easy for me to understand people, but maybe that's because I have spent a long time learning to understand myself, too. 
To have an empathy so deep is both a blessing and a curse at the same exact time. 
I am learning, B.. I am learning that even the parts of me that people don't clap for are beautiful. That even when I look into the mirror, I am filled with beauty. 

It's okay to be the kind of woman who reaches for the stars, right B? it's okay. I tell myself it's okay.

I know God has used this year of my life for the greater good - and I must believe in that so boldly. Even if it hurts. 

You will never know how strong and resilient you are until life goes and breaks your heart.
I looked into my car mirror this morning and proclaimed that.
I am strong and I am resilient. 

Gosh, I've missed writing you B. It feels good to write you again. 


XO, J. 

hello, you are loved here.

it's been 10 years since I began writing, I was almost 20 years old when I decided to write to the world about my journey with self worth. 
I started, AnotherPorcelainHeart, as a way to let the world know that I understood the depths of what it meant to try so hard to love yourself, believe someone loves you, and believe in Jesus. 
There's a song called, "Porcelain Heart" by a band named Barlow Girl, I listened to it over and over again in high school. It was about a girl who didn't believe she was worthy of love. She walked around on shattered glass, trying to make it another day, but deep inside she was longing for someone to prove to her that she was beautiful and chosen.
I titled my instagram and blog with that name as a declaration to say, "I am just another one of those girls, who on the outside comes off always happy and joyful, but deep inside, I, like so many other girls, was trying to feel worthy of her own skin"

For years, I blogged and I posted on my instagram the ways God was teaching me how to heal in His hands. 
I let people into my world and they let me into theirs. 
I dedicated myself to making sure people felt loved, because growing up, that was all I ever wanted. I spent so many years wondering if i'd ever be good enough. 

I was 6 years old when I got my first anxiety attack. It was early in the morning, I couldn't stop my hands from shaking and the tears kept streaming down my face like it was never going to end. 
My dad held me in his arms and said, "it'll be okay" as I cried. 

From that day forward, I felt like a broken record. 
When I entered middle school, was when I really started to feel like I was broken. I was 10 years old when the doctor told me I had this condition called, "Scoliosis". Scoliosis is a spinal condition where your spine is curved at a degree causing pain and if not caught early on, can require intense spinal surgery.
I was taken to a specialist where they designed a back brace for me to wear 24/7 up until i was 18 years old. 
If going through puberty wasn't enough trauma already, why not add a spine defect. 

I fell into a deep depression from this, leading me to believe the worst things about myself. 
The self loathing inside of me grew so numb that I truly believed God hated me. 

From the age of 13 on, I started to self harm my body with nail marks deep enough to tear skin, standing in front of my closet mirror projecting words of hate just to make sure nobody else could hurt me with their own words besides myself, and I neglected every relationship with people closest to me. 
Anxiety became a part of my every day, walking on pins and needles trying to manage my emotions but only to realize that my emotions ran me into the ground.

I became my own worst enemy. I tried so hard not to feel that I eventually didn't believe in love anymore. 
But I SO desperately wanted someone to hug me and tell me that I was beautiful, that I was wanted and chosen. 

I fell so far from Christ because I truly felt ashamed of who I was. Growing up, my family was very conservative, we went to church every Sunday and we prayed before every meal. 
So I kept sitting there in the youth group room, outwardly okay but internally numb. I needed God but I didn't want to.. so instead i tried to fill the gaps. 
I sat in my room and wrote songs that described how I felt and I shut out a lot of the outside world. 

when I was 16 I met this really nice and cute boy in my youth group - we went out a few times and I genuinely thought this little high school relationship would work out for me. 
One day when we were walking home from starbucks, he looked me in the eyes and said words that still make me tear up. 
he said, "your happy is cute, you're a sweet girl jess, but your anxiety makes you ugly so I can't be with you." 
I held it together and said, "I know" because what else are you supposed to say when you're 16 and finally feel as if someone sees you. 

I began to truly believe that people would always leave. that nobody stays in the end. I wore the words, "people leave" like a chain around my neck.
That day, I made a promise to myself that I would never let another boy see my "ugly" parts, that I would only show the good parts of me to anyone I meet. I would be "happy and cute" .

I started wearing less clothes and showed more skin, I began wearing dark makeup to cover up any imperfections and I cursed more in my vocabulary than I would like to even admit on paper. 
I wanted to be just like those "hot" celebrities on every TigerBeat Magazine. 

I knew the right words to say, but I stayed at arms length so they couldn't tell me I wasn't worth it eventually. If everyone leaves, it'll be easier. 
I realize now that living at arms length is a very dangerous and lonely place to live. 

I spent months and months living in a place that felt so alone, so lonely and it was easier to come off to people that I was hardcore and unaffected by things than to show the hurt inside, to show any feeling.

There was a Sunday morning I was sitting in church, so defeated and angry, someone came up to me. Someone I barely knew, looking down at me she said the words i will never forget to this day. She said, "i dont know why but God really wanted me to tell you to open your bible to Jeremiah 31:3." and she read it aloud to me saying the words after, "jess, idk what you're facing but God wants you to know that you are loved, not you WERE loved or you ARE GOING to be loved, but you are loved right now just as you are ." 
and I wept. 
like the ugliest cry. 
That day was one of the most prominent miracles I had ever faced. 
I pondered that day for a really long time until I gave my life back to jesus. It took years, but it was the stepping stone that I needed to get me to who I am today. 

It took a lot in me and a lot of help and guidance to find love. to find joy. to find jesus and myself. 
I got to this point where I truly knew I had to stop taking the easier roads - we are all trying so hard to play it safe, and I wanted to be that girl who didn't anymore. Nothing worth having comes from playing it safe. 
I remember praying really big words, "God, someone else needs a reason to believe. Someone else needs to know they aren't incapable of love. use my life."

I had to believe my life was made for something bigger than myself. 

I have always loved writing. I journaled from the time I was 12 but this was the first time God put a dream in my heart in years. 
Like I said in the beginning, I was almost 20 when I began blogging. 
Some days I cried writing posts - they were so personal to me, but I needed to show the world that life is more than just highlight reels. 
I remember trying to come up with enough strength to publish my first post. I was scared, I was shaken and I was nervous people would label me as FAKE. 

But I pushed through. 
Love never felt like a safe place to land for me. I tried and I tried to get rid of the noises inside my head claiming I wasn't good enough, that my true self wasn't worth showing .. but I HAD to believe that in this maybe, just maybe, I could find that I was okay. 
I titled my very first post, "Beauty is Not your Face, My Darling". and I wrote about how hard it is to prove to yourself that people will think you are beautiful if you show your heart, not only your skin.

I did this for years, until my following grew and it GREW. 
I started to get other young girls messaging me saying they needed to hear my words and that they felt the same. I engraved the words, "you are so worth loving" all over my platforms. every signature I wrote ended with, "you are so loved, my friend" & soon I began to believe I was loved, like I was speaking into people, too. 
Over time, I made so many new friends online. 
I started to pen pal and I began writing handwritten encouragement letters to strangers. 
I opened my instagram to people and I asked them to drop their address if they needed to feel loved and i wrote them. 
I started posting my every day struggles and started to tell others about my battle with self worth, with learning how to believe love was real and trying to understand beauty. 
I dug deep DEEP into the meaning of love that I all I really knew how to do was love people so fiercely because of how many years I spent searching for that feeling.

I did this until eventually I believed it, i really really believed that I would be enough for someone one day, that I was loved by Jesus and that the more I spoke words of encouragement towards my body, the more I began to believe I was beautiful. 

It's been 10 years this january that I began this journey. 
and damn, it's been an emotional few weeks because as I look back at my journey, the more I see the hands of Jesus in my story so so personally. 

I am going to be honest, there are some things I still do struggle with. I still get scared to let people see my messy parts, I still am afraid that my friends will leave sometimes, I am terrified that if i make a mistake that I will be blamed, I still battle anxiety and days when I lack some confidence - but I know who I am and I know the woman I am becoming still and who I am not anymore. 
I know what love means and i've studied it for years. I rooted myself in the process of becoming until I became her. 
we will always be people who are a work in progress, we all carry deep rooted things, but the difference you eventually learn is how to not let those things take a front row seat and you keep going. 

I used to wear a key around my neck with the words, "beloved" on it. People used to ask me why I wore it and I always would say, "because it means love." the real meaning of the word is, "a deeply loved person" and I wore it to remind myself that I am loved, as I am whether I am happy, sad, messy, broken, angry... I am loved as I am. 

I haven't shared my story in YEARS. but to celebrate 10 years of being a writer, I decided to share because of how proud of my story I am now. How much God has just moved in my life, without even noticing, he showed up.
my writing has come a long long way from where I began to now. 
My style of writing and what I write about has changed - the way I see life has shifted. 
I grew from this passive young scared girl, to this woman who only let the bold things touch her and teach her how to fight meaningful battles. 
I always knew I wanted to be a writer, someone once told me I could be and for years I held onto it until one day I did. 
Since then, I have written over 100 different posts and self published two books that I wish I could hug so tightly because of the road to get there. 
Books I never believed I can dedicated myself to. 

I have realized now that Jesus takes broken things and He uses them for His glory and makes them beautiful.
He can take ANY story and transform it. 

I think this is why I love people so intensely. I lose myself in loving people because I once believed it wasn't good. My mom has always said, "if you love too deep and easily, people will take advantage of you so be careful", but I learned to go against the grain. If one more person feels worthy of love, even if I don't for a second than I know that God is shining through and He gets the glory. 

I am a big believer in showing up. I say this to every single person I meet. You must show up. Love the process. do the work and then stay. 
stay like you believe in magic, grace and God. 

If you read this far, thank you. and if you did read this far, I hope you do know how valuable you are and that it matters that you are here, your story - it matters. and YOU matter, my goodness you do. 

This world, I have realized in the last 10 years, has absolutely nothing to do with me and love always wins. 

That's been my anthem all my twenties - it's the same thing I will carry into my thirties. 

So to end this all, I hope you know how loved you are, my friend. 
'cause you are and always will be. 
always. 

XO, J.