But My Love, God DOES Answer Prayers. He Sees Yours.

This was the first year in many I fell in love with the Christmas season. It's a big deal to me. The last 6 years, it felt as if I was robbed of what magic felt like on Christmas day. I tried every year to somehow place a smile on my face and pretend as I sang, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas,".

The months prior to December, I think I cried 5 out of 7 days of the week. Feeling the weight of my anxiety and hopelessness, I just desperately wanted to feel as if God heard my small prayers of, "give me joy again. I want to really smile." 

and slowly as the days rolled on, I could feel Jesus again. It wasn't instant, but it was if He was sending people on my path to remind me of His goodness. 

It was two days before Christmas. As I sat in this holiday bar, with some of my best friends I could feel myself smile a real joyful smile. It felt magical and I had become such a stranger to snowy moments during the holiday season. But then, in that room, I could sense it. As we played a silly game of "Sorry", there was something different about my laugh and my peace. 

It felt like joy. the joy I prayed for. 

The utter joy that comes from the feeling of leaving it all in the past. The joy of being in the moment. The joy of what thankfulness should really feel like. The joy of Jesus inside of me. The overwhelming sensation of knowing the best is yet to come and the sure faith that God has already been in the midst of it all along.

I had so badly wanted to step into that space for months. For months, I have let this string keep reeling me back in like a puppet doll keeping me from experiencing authentic joy like I have been praying I would. I had been so afraid of my panic attacks, of people asking me questions, of feeling as if I couldn't see Christ. 

But all along, He knew what He was doing; like He always does. 

I have realized this: joy comes from a broken place that manifests into happiness. Without the broken pieces, you cannot experience joy. Without the hurt, the frustration, the dimmed lighting in the room, it's almost impossible to understand the depths of joy.

joy seeps through the cracks when our hearts are breaking and that is the most beautiful thing I have realized these last eight months.
in the breaking there is this sure and steady hope we have in the middle of the mystery. In the center our deepest fears, joy meets us right at the epicenter.

Last night I was driving listening to Taylor Swift's, Fearless album (I know somehow she always makes an appearance on my posts) and I felt so happy. It dawned on me that this is what I have been searching for. this feeling of joy. In the most simplest of moments. 

and even though it was so random, the most subtle of moments it was the solid fact that it was what I prayed for. That God, even when it feels as if he is silent, even though it all can be falling apart inside, there is true peace found when you seek God with all your heart. When you trust His goodness. That it can still be so well with your soul.

there is this authentic joy found.

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." and for so long, this verse has fallen to the back burner of my life. Where once they were the words I stood upon, they've been sugar coated with the messes life has thrown at me.
But they are the most true words I have discovered in life.

To seek the goodness of the Lord with every inch of your body and put your trust in the assurance that He will show His face is so beautiful. It's the one thing I have tried to hold onto all my life.

I want to lead this year with that in front of me. In the confidence that Christ be glorified through the joy I feel within my bones; with a new story on my sleeve and a new victory to be claimed.

Joy's favorite chair is your sadness, your guilt, the things that keep you from gaining faith in the bigger things in life. And we must remember this as we embark on this road. 

That not all joy looks like smiling in the mirror because joy does not put on a show - it goes deeper.

When it is mixed with fear, doubts and questions, it can taste victory in the offering, still. Without these things, you cannot lean into the fullness of what God has to reveal.

sometimes it takes walking out of the woods to understand that it took you much longer to walk out of there than you thought.

Bethel sings a song that starts off with the words, "I feel it in my bones, you're about to move. I feel it in the wind you're about to ride in... " and I can sense that these days.

I feel a new thing rising and God holding my hand. I can feel it all again. 

So here I am with a new song to sing, with a new hope and a new victory. 

joy isn't a fleeting feeling, it belongs to you. You were created with it running through your veins. and sometimes, you just need to trust it instead of trying to tackle and search for it.

I think the most accurate picture of joy is the moment you look up at the sky when the sun is setting. The mix of pinks, baby blues, and hint of purples. The moment you set your eyes on it, it's as if it all becomes still.

and that's when you know: the joy of the Lord is my strength.

It always has been and it always will be. 


XO, J.