IT'S ABOUT PATIENCE AND MIRACLES AND TRUSTING GOD, LOVE.

"you are your best self right now, j." , my friend looked me in the eyes and told me these words.

I've been replaying them inside my head every day since. 

Over the last year, God has really showed up in ways I once didn't believe He would. 
But he did and he has. 

Lately, I have been reminded of the miracles in the details. So often we are caught up in the big in the cloud miracles, we miss the small ones right infront of our faces. 

This time last year I desperately prayed for healing, for eyes to see the beauty in the breaking and hope in the hopeless days. 

so much of last year I spent at war with my body, fighting anxiousness for days on end wondering if one day God would grab my hand and show me the mountains he onced moved could still be moved now.

there were many days I was angry at God, but He still kept tugging at my heart showing me the beauty in pain. 

But He showed up in the most bleak days of my life and at 29, I feel more alive that I have in all my twenties. 

I truly feel when we finally say, "God show me," He will and in the way He does it, is beyond me, but those words travel to spaces you must be okay with when you pray big things like that. 

I was driving home the other day from my friend's house and kept rethinking about all the ways God keeps His promises. 

Lately, I've been facing some things that require so much patience from me. And if you know me at all, I am the most impatient person, mixed with wanting to control everything inside my orbit. 

So needless to say, I've been on this edge trying to remind myself that trust and patience are intertwined at it's root. 

and I can't sit here and proclaim that I can fully trust what God is doing without having patience to release it all from my hands and into His. 

In the bible, the word, "be still" appears seven times. 
BE STILL means to let go, become weak or release. 
The number seven is also the number meaning perfection - or completeness, balance, wisdom. 

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 

I keep going back to these two things and really trying to dig myself into it. I really want to be a woman who trusts God with not only the bigger things in life, but also the small things nobody can see but me. 

I am trying to practice patience and understand that I cannot see the other side of the mountain, but I know a God who does. The same God whose plans for me are not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future, (Jeremiah 29:11). 

One of my favorite scriptures happens after that part of Jeremiah. It says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart," (Jeremiah 29:13) 
Sometimes, I feel people skip over that part because they look at that first part only. But if you continue, you see that yes, God wants to show you the most beautiful plans for your life, but you MUST be willing to lay down your desires to decode everything and seek His heart - it is then, slowly you will learn patience in the waiting as He makes melodies over you with His heart. 

So I go back to the BE STILL part. 

Because I am so small and as I look up at the sky I am reminded that my little restless heart cannot fathom the craft God is doing in my life and maybe if I practice patience enough, I will see how peaceful it really can be when I choose to be still and let God do miracles in my life. 

At the beginning of this whole thing, I started with the words my friend told me, and I believe my friend when she said those to me, but as I look in the mirror replaying those words, it makes me want to become even better, even stronger, even wiser than what God has done in me the last year... 

and it begins with learning how to be. just be. 

So its Saturday, it's a new day, and as I preach these words to my own heart, I hope you preach them to yours, as well. 

XO, J.

Get Through the Bullshit with a Kind Heart, Baby.

 "Get through the bullshit with a kind heart," I tell myself in my mirror. To remain soft in a world that is so cruel, so twisted and so messed up some days. I think the hardest part of this whole life thing is to be the one who stays kind in the face of assholes. staying kind in the face of shitty life situations.

that's always been my downfall growing up - I was too nice; too passive. My mom always told me I love too hard and she was afraid if I gave love away like confetti people would use my heart like it didn't mean much at all. 

That has always stuck with me. There is so much to be said about loving too much and not loving at all. Some days I don't even know which is worse. 

But when the day is done, I have to believe that the right people will always stay. The right people will always show up. The good ones will never ghost you in the dark. 

So many times in my 20's did I want to be someone who embodies a meaner persona. I never understood how some people can sweep things under the rug so quickly, how you can care one day and not care the next. so many times I wanted to be that person. - the one who didn't care deeply. 

But being someone who doesn't care takes away from the craft. the craft of so delicately placing art where most don't see art at all. or can see past the facade. I've come to realize that those who love so deeply are the ones who see beauty where beauty can't be found. 

So I gave up trying to cover up the heart God gave me. 

I turned 29 on Saturday. I've been thinking of differnt mantras I want to carry with me into my last year of my 20's. Something that matters, something that is hard and challenging. and so I think I found it: Get through the bullshit with a kind heart.

Because it's so hard to look someone in the eyes and not be angry when they've done you dirty. Because it's so tough to find beauty in the dark days. Because it's so brutal to smile in the face of sad. 
It doesn't dismiss the part that you can be upset of lowly - you are allowed to feel those things, but to not let them overcome who you are ; thats the challenging part. 

so I think that's what 29 will be. 

I don't want to leave my 20's without reminding myself to stay kind in the eyes of adversity. 
I want to hold onto this year knowing I didn't give into the lies of the world. 
I want to understand the beauty in the breaking and find art in the details.

so here is my word to you - don't let assholes and let the shitty things life throws at you change you. Look at yourself in the mirror: get through the bullshit with a kind heart. 

XO, J

TWENTYNINE FOR 29.

In a little under 29 days I will be 29. That means that for the last 10 years I have been a writer - I have poured all my heart and soul into this blog, (that was once called AnotherporcelainHeart). It also means that I have lived 10 years without a single doctors appointment about my scoliosis. It's been 10 years of living with anxiety, but 10 years of healing. It's been 10 years since I have found Jesus. 10 years since I wrote my first penpal letter and ended up meeting the coolest people all over the world. 10 freaking years of learning what it means to be just as I am and loved as I am. I am so excited for the last year of my 20's, but before that:

Here are 29 things I have learned that I am carrying into 29 with me: 

1. You are loveable. - just as you are. You don't need to change yourself to be accepted. As cliche as it sounds, simply be you. I spent a lot of my life at war with my body, but once I began to love my body as a whole inside and out - I knew I was enough. I was loved. 

2. Go the distance for people. - There's that stupid quote, "don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you," but honestly, I think you should. I think you should go against the grain and do what people don't expect - cheer for people and be there when everyone else has failed. 

3. champion people and cheer them - be their cheerleader on the sidelines. Bob Goff once said to me, "hope for others what you hope for yourself," and ever since that day, it has stuck with me. I think it's hard to root for people when you want that dream, relationship, job.. etc and you see them living thier life with it.. but this quote gave me a new perspective.

4. SHOW UP. SHOW UP. SHOW UP. If you want something bad enough, go freaking get it. Nobody is going to do it for you. and then STAY. stay in the hard, the ugly, the messy.. watch it bloom into beauty. Once I began living this way, so much of my life changed. 

5. Drive far for the dang donut. I love donuts, okay. And some of my best days in my early 20s have been when I called a friend up and asked them to go listen to taylor swift with me in my car and drive to get a donut.. it's always turned into deep talks and lots of sugar we didn't need, but our souls always needed it. 

6. STOP running away from Christ. Life with Jesus is so much sweeter. It's not easier, but it makes the hard stuff easier. You don't need to earn His love, you already have it. He is just waiting for you to open up your heart. 

7. Spend more time with your parents. I've learned that time with my dad and my mom have become more valuable as I get older. If anyone is on your team - it's them. love them, ask them questions. be with them. You'll miss it once it's gone. 

8. Write about it. if people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better. It's also okay to pour your heart online for strangers - don't let anyone tell you your art doesn't matter. Your art is beautiful and it's who you are. I used to be afraid to share my words and my songs and my notes, but aren't we all afraid of things. just do it. 

9. laugh more. don't take everything so seriously. there are moments for deep and raw, but the best moments are the ones where you are uncontrollably laughing with friends. 

10. Speak up. Use your voice. - stop belittling your voice and your opinion. I know it's sometimes scary but your voice is needed in this world. 

11. Leave rooms that don't serve you - stop being in spaces that require survival mode out of you and walk into those that are light. Close the door on friendships that don't lift you up. 

12. Therapy is heaven-sent. Life honestly became so much more beautiful when I started going to therapy. I went through one of my most difficult seasons recently and am still enduring it, but if it wasn't for my therapist, I wouldn't have seen so much victory in the struggle.

13. Book the flight. Always book that damn flight. every time I have gone to a new state, place or space, so much joy has come from it. I love airports, i don't care what anyone says. 

14. Healing starts when you recongize your own toxic traits, too. It also begins when you take action and not only repeat that you want to be healed. Real healing isn't sunshine and rainbows - most days it's up and down and confusing. It's okay. Don't discredit the baby steps. 

15. There's a HUGE difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, joy goes deeper. Which one are you feeling... it matters. 

16. BOUNDARIES BABY. In order to live a fruitful life, boundaries are needed. and people need to accept those. if they don't, the relationship was never that deep to begin with. Boundaries help us know our limits as humans. 

17. Hug people more. Hugs are one of God's greatest gifts. I used to hate hugs, but now I am a hugger. 

18. Rest is essential. Learn to stay home and be okay with the quiet for a bit. You can't be the best version of yourself without resting and soaking in some moments alone.

19. Punch fear in the face. (I always say this) Fear is liar and will rob you of so many good things. 

20. Know which mistakes are worth making again and which aren't. You want a different outcome - do something different. 

21. Know what breaks your cute little heart. Really... 

22. Wine makes everything better. Sad? wine. Happy? wine. Mad? wine... no but really. (only red though)

23. prayer works. Miracles happen. God hears your prayers. I've seen this countless times in my 20's. and every time I thought God wasn't there.. he shows up. tenfold. 

25. Not everyone leaves. People actually stay. and those are the people who deserve gold metals. I used to believe a lie that people pack their bags when you say one wrong thing, but I was actually wrong. and then I also became a person who stays.

26. YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. repeat that over and over and over again. Stop doubting yourself. You were designed for hard things. 

27. go on dates. lots of them. find out what you do and don't like. don't be afraid to date. to meet someone new, we are all trying to find the same thing - it's just that nobody ever likes to show their cards. well do it. show your cards and be that person. You'll never know if you don't try.

28. You aren't behind. Sometimes it may think you are when you look at everyone's journeys but we are all wired with different stories. None is the same. remind yourself of that. 

29. You are beautiful. I've spent a lot of time believing I wasn't, but I wish someone looked me in the eyes in my early 20's and told me I never had to measure up. So now I am telling y'all that. Because you are and you don't even know how beautiful you are - you only see you how you see you - not the world. So glow, baby. 

People will say a lot about what your twenties should look like but ultimately it's up to you. This is precious time to just figure it out.. and that's exactly what I am doing. Ask all your questions. Say YES to things. things that scare you. Those things will be what end up making you. 

XO, J. 

But My Love, God DOES Answer Prayers. He Sees Yours.

This was the first year in many I fell in love with the Christmas season. It's a big deal to me. The last 6 years, it felt as if I was robbed of what magic felt like on Christmas day. I tried every year to somehow place a smile on my face and pretend as I sang, "It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas,".

The months prior to December, I think I cried 5 out of 7 days of the week. Feeling the weight of my anxiety and hopelessness, I just desperately wanted to feel as if God heard my small prayers of, "give me joy again. I want to really smile." 

and slowly as the days rolled on, I could feel Jesus again. It wasn't instant, but it was if He was sending people on my path to remind me of His goodness. 

It was two days before Christmas. As I sat in this holiday bar, with some of my best friends I could feel myself smile a real joyful smile. It felt magical and I had become such a stranger to snowy moments during the holiday season. But then, in that room, I could sense it. As we played a silly game of "Sorry", there was something different about my laugh and my peace. 

It felt like joy. the joy I prayed for. 

The utter joy that comes from the feeling of leaving it all in the past. The joy of being in the moment. The joy of what thankfulness should really feel like. The joy of Jesus inside of me. The overwhelming sensation of knowing the best is yet to come and the sure faith that God has already been in the midst of it all along.

I had so badly wanted to step into that space for months. For months, I have let this string keep reeling me back in like a puppet doll keeping me from experiencing authentic joy like I have been praying I would. I had been so afraid of my panic attacks, of people asking me questions, of feeling as if I couldn't see Christ. 

But all along, He knew what He was doing; like He always does. 

I have realized this: joy comes from a broken place that manifests into happiness. Without the broken pieces, you cannot experience joy. Without the hurt, the frustration, the dimmed lighting in the room, it's almost impossible to understand the depths of joy.

joy seeps through the cracks when our hearts are breaking and that is the most beautiful thing I have realized these last eight months.
in the breaking there is this sure and steady hope we have in the middle of the mystery. In the center our deepest fears, joy meets us right at the epicenter.

Last night I was driving listening to Taylor Swift's, Fearless album (I know somehow she always makes an appearance on my posts) and I felt so happy. It dawned on me that this is what I have been searching for. this feeling of joy. In the most simplest of moments. 

and even though it was so random, the most subtle of moments it was the solid fact that it was what I prayed for. That God, even when it feels as if he is silent, even though it all can be falling apart inside, there is true peace found when you seek God with all your heart. When you trust His goodness. That it can still be so well with your soul.

there is this authentic joy found.

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." and for so long, this verse has fallen to the back burner of my life. Where once they were the words I stood upon, they've been sugar coated with the messes life has thrown at me.
But they are the most true words I have discovered in life.

To seek the goodness of the Lord with every inch of your body and put your trust in the assurance that He will show His face is so beautiful. It's the one thing I have tried to hold onto all my life.

I want to lead this year with that in front of me. In the confidence that Christ be glorified through the joy I feel within my bones; with a new story on my sleeve and a new victory to be claimed.

Joy's favorite chair is your sadness, your guilt, the things that keep you from gaining faith in the bigger things in life. And we must remember this as we embark on this road. 

That not all joy looks like smiling in the mirror because joy does not put on a show - it goes deeper.

When it is mixed with fear, doubts and questions, it can taste victory in the offering, still. Without these things, you cannot lean into the fullness of what God has to reveal.

sometimes it takes walking out of the woods to understand that it took you much longer to walk out of there than you thought.

Bethel sings a song that starts off with the words, "I feel it in my bones, you're about to move. I feel it in the wind you're about to ride in... " and I can sense that these days.

I feel a new thing rising and God holding my hand. I can feel it all again. 

So here I am with a new song to sing, with a new hope and a new victory. 

joy isn't a fleeting feeling, it belongs to you. You were created with it running through your veins. and sometimes, you just need to trust it instead of trying to tackle and search for it.

I think the most accurate picture of joy is the moment you look up at the sky when the sun is setting. The mix of pinks, baby blues, and hint of purples. The moment you set your eyes on it, it's as if it all becomes still.

and that's when you know: the joy of the Lord is my strength.

It always has been and it always will be. 


XO, J.