MY LOVE, YOU ARE A WARRIOR.

I'm now ready to explain it. 
I'm now ready to tell the world about what happened to me this year. 
I'm ready to tell you about the thing that changed me. for better and worse. 

It's taken me months to grasp that this season I have endured is not by accident. That I was not placed in this space for the mediocre. And even though most of my days I have struggled to find child like faith, as I sit here on the edge of my bed, I can sense this tingling feeling crawling up my entire body knowing that Jesus knows exactly what I need and who I am. 

It was August when it first happened. 
I had already silently been fighting back and I swore only the showerhead would know my tears but I guess my body had different plans. 
As I walked through the doors of my house, it felt uneasy. And although the sun hit my window, it felt as if the world grew a little darker that morning. 

I was suddenly on the floor, body shaking, heart racing. My eyes flooded by the giant tears streaming out and down my face. Screaming out for help, but not knowing exactly what I was asking for help with. 

Everything felt wrong and now looking back, I think I just wanted someone to come alongside me and hold me. I wanted to be held more than anything and any soul to look me in the eyes and tell me, "you don't have to be okay, but I am here." 

I could feel my face swelling up with every second as my body gave out on me; throwing up until I had nothing left inside of me. 

I had never thrown up before. I had never experienced such fear that it left my entire body in shock. Up until this day, my anxiety had always been quite a mental state of mind, not also a physical. 

But this day, my life changed. 

I remember my mom above me telling me it was alright and I just needed to breathe. 

let me tell you something - I hate being told to breathe. I hate being told to stop crying. 

But I understand that not everybody can quite grasp exactly what to say to someone who is having a panic attack. - my mom being one of those. But I know she always means well, she always wants me to be and feel okay. 

I felt anything but okay in that moment. I felt weak, alone and hallow. 

After what felt probably carried on for 20 minutes, I sat on the floor chugging water until I felt the strength in my body regain. 

we went on a drive after and we went shopping. And although I felt defeated, I placed a smile on my face and wiped every tear away. But my body felt so off like something I hadn't experienced prior. 

The days went by and after the 3rd day, I found myself again on my bedroom floor gasping for air. Unable to breathe properly, body hunched over and my body giving out once again. 
This time nobody was around to help. It was me against my body and I want to tell you that I got up and carried on with my day - but I didn't. 

I sat on my floor, cried a thousand tears and hoped God saw me there. I prayed God would show up in the form of a phone call from a friend or a text saying I wasn't alone. 

But nothing. 

From August through mid November , I experienced 2-3 panic attacks a week. I felt defeated. Prior to August, it wasn’t this bad, it was self manageable. 

But the days kept coming and I tried to fight it but anxiousness kept rising around my every day life. 

I couldn't keep food down long enough and I couldn't make it past 5pm without crying. 
I started to forget the simple things and my memory blurred. 
Any thing that set my routine off a little sent me straight into a panic. 
I became silent, I couldn't leave my room most days and the thought of smiling with friends drained the hell out of me. 

I wasn't me and I was tired. 
I was more exhausted than I had ever felt and my body hurt every day. 
I was on edge and I was scared that another panic attack would follow me into the next morning. 

I lived my life normally on the outside of my house but I was careful. I knew how much to say and when I felt off, I would go home instead of being afraid in public. 

I missed a lot of work and still I feel as if they probably think i suck there since I barely went all Fall semester. 

I was in my head a lot and it was hard to explain the adrenline that kept rushing through my veins.

The tiniest arguments set me off and it felt as if one bad thing led to another. The loud noises. the simple sound of a hairbrush falling on the floor or the slam of a door made me instantly cry. 
I was so embarrassed that the echoes in the rooms I walked though led me to anxious days. 
irrational thoughts became more present to me than I had ever had to experience and I had no idea how to decode it. 

That's the hardest part: trying to decode something. 

I could feel insecurity run up my sleeve in conversations I had with friends because I was holding onto a thin twine of joy. 

I had little to say and little to give because I was wrapped in anxiousness. 
wrapped in grief. 

in the moment, I couldn't tell you what was causing all these panic attacks, but with proper therapy, journaling and praying - i know exactly what sparked this season. 

unhealed trauma I have ignored.

You always think you can escape things, but those things will always come back to haunt you until you feed it. 

I grew up with anxiety. I'm not a stranger to it but before 2022 it had been years since it's been this wild.

My dad used to constantly recite this verse to me every time I had an anxiety attack. He would look me in the eyes and say, "Jess, what does it say in the bible? It says don't be anxious about anything.. but pray." 

and he would hold my hands and pray over me in that moment. 
He would hug me and tell me to cry but remember how sovereign Christ is. 

and I would fall asleep to my tears and his voice reciting those words over and over again to me. 

In 2022, I lost a lot of my faith. I got weary, tired and so angry that God would allow certain things that occured this year to fill me in such a negative way. 

I lost a lot of the best parts of me. 
I struggled to find my joy. 

At the end of September, I got a text message from a friend. I hadn't heard from this friend in a long time so seeing the name come up on my phone shocked me a bit. 
We talked a bit here and there, but the text he sent me on a specific Monday morning was God sent. 

He sent me a playlist and some nice words. How he understood and how he cared. 
It was 8:35am. I remember it so clearly as I walked back from taking my students to the library and how tears filled my eyes. 

I felt seen. I felt less alone. 

and all it took was a simple text, the voice of God and the words of a friend who had no idea the impact. 

But God knew. 

I haven't heard from him in awhile now,
but I keep thinking maybe God sent him then to remind me that my strength
could still be found and people still cheer people on. 

Everything in this year has felt like a blur. If given the chance, I still wouldn't do it differently because I have to believe that God used this for good. For I know my God moves in the wilderness - God still works in the bleak. 

I stand here in December and I know deep within my heart that I am a warrior. I am strong and although most of my days have felt weak, I am not that. 

Anxiety will have a field day with whatever you feed it. Hannah Brencher taught me that. and she is right. 

It had a field day with my entire year. and for a long time I let it take over my health. 

I am forgiving myself for all the times I yelled at myself this year, all the times I got frustrated and got mad at myself for not being able to go out because I was scared. 
When I wasn't fine and I acted like it was. 

I am still uncluttering my trauma. I am still unpacking my belief in lies I was told and I am still shaking off the enemy and all the ways he made me feel less than this year. 

I am still sitting with my therapist every other week and telling her about it all as we go through the messy together. 
I am praying again. I am starting off little by little but I am doing it. 

These days I feel a little more joy, I have a little more energy to make plans with friends and not cancel last minute. I am less afraid to use my voice and I am more aware of what I give my energy to. I no longer enter rooms that make me feel bad about myself and I ignore the voices inside my head that feed me irrational thoughts ( cause let me tell ya, I have tons of those). 

It matters who you spend your time with and it matters how you talk to YOURSELF. don't underestimate those two things. 

If you struggle with anxiety or depression - I see you. wholeheartedly, I see you. and I wish I could hug you right now because I understand. It's lonely and sometimes people think you are crazy but I promise you, you are not. 

I am not the same as I was before this. It showed up and showed me life is fragile.

I am not going to lie to you and tell you that my anxiety is gone because it's not. I still find days where I am back on my floor throwing up and I still have days that I spend trying to stop crying, days where I can't get myself to leave the house or communicate my thoughts properly - but I know the process now. I know that this too shall pass and I know my God is within me and I cannot fail. 

But I don't feel alone anymore. I don't feel helpless and I don't feel less than. I feel brave and I feel like I can conquer things with Jesus on my side. I feel as if I can outwardly let people know what is going on without feeling insecure about my struggles. I feel less lonely on days where I don't talk to single person and the days radiate love again. 

This year redefined strength for me and opened my eyes to what it means to truly rely on Christ and how much self determination it takes to take yourself out of a dark place. It transformed me to understand love and worth and mental health on a deeper level. It gave me a new heart. 

Sia writes, "I want my life so bad, I am doing everything I can." 

I love those words because so many days I spent laying on my bed, trying to gain a bit of joy enough to take a simple walk around target and some days it took so much in me to just do it. 

But eventually I did. 

2022 didn't go as I planned. but nothing ever does, right? 

I am thankful for it though and I hope you know how important it is to be honest, to be kind to people and to take care of your mental health. 

1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you."

not just parts of it, ALL of it. 

So tonight, if you are someone who needed this story I hope you pray those words. I hope you look at the mirror and say aloud, "I am a warrior." because my love, you are. and tonight I feel it deep within. 

I didn't know this but I know now: you don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe anyone an explanation for what you feel. but you owe yourself this very thing: love even when you don't feel like you deserve it. always love yourself a little more - especially on the days that are hard. 

gosh, I wish I could hug each of you tonight because I get it. I get it so so much. 
 

My prayer tonight is that you would smile even when it's hard to and you would extend grace even when grace feels foreign. That you would credit yourself for the baby steps - the baby victories. The things people don't see. I pray that Jesus comes near because He is always close to the brokenhearted. 
I pray you see Christ in the pain. 

I've been seeing him. 

You deserve a sheet of gold stars for how far you've come. Claim those words, my dear.

XO, J.