DREAM BIG. NOW BIGGER. EVEN BIGGER.

When I was in high school I had this dream to become a social worker. I wanted to help someone, in any way I could imagine. I wanted to be upfront with the miracle workers, the strong, the fierce, the loving and the hopeful. The ones who were looked in the eyes of children who had the whole world to live for. I wanted to be a world changer. 

Somewhere along the line, I was told I had too much heart inside of me - too much emotion, too many nights of tears and too much, “people pleaser” to be a woman in a workforce that needed to be tough. Tough for herself, tough for little ones, tough to get the job done. 

So when I started college, I did something else. I pushed that dream down the drain and went all in for another - American Sign Language. I dedicated myself to become an interpreter and help the hearing impaired. I dedicated four years to the culture and it was filled with so much beauty. I became fluent in the world of the hard of hearing and the language. It was one of the coolest seasons I was placed into. 

But I still longed for something else - that something that I really wanted to do. 

So somewhere between spending four years of getting a degree in ASL and praying God would align my heart with what it was made for - wherever that looked in His plans, I stood in Atlanta inside of an arena while Oceans played by Hillsong and knew it was time for me to fight for what my heart really desired. 

In 2018 i took a year off of school to decide what I was going to do. It was hard to lay down my pride of feeling as if I was too old to decide a different path, feelings like i wasted time and wanting my life to start already. But let me tell you this, God always knows. I know first hand how hard it is to just lay down your life for the purpose of the plans of Christ. I wrestled with it, I worried if I was making the right decision and I was more terrified than I showed. 

In the Fall of 2019, I began my journey to do what I always dreamt of - becoming a social worker. I dedicated myself to 20units a semester, taking classes after working a full work day and trying my best to make myself proud and find inspiration all over again. 

For two years I learned so much about sociology - culture, demographics, people and why we as humans do what we do and where we learn it all from. I had so much fun, grit and devotion to those classes and in the end, I found out this is exactly where God wanted me to be. 

After you graduate, things get a little weird. It almost feels like you’re a little fish in a big fish’s sea. Trying to find your place where so many opportunities are amidst, but also one where you feel as if every job is taken by someone more qualified. Most days I found myself discouraged by filling out more applications I could count and getting no response back. Until one day, i did. 

It was the last place I actually decided to apply to: a school district. 

But here I was, two interviews later and a phone call saying I got the job.

You don’t get your dream job right after college, but if you do I am just going to say you are one of the luckiest ones. But I do know and I am a firm believer that God always places you in the most perfect spot. I’ve encountered this time and time again and each time I look back and realize God was right on time.

So here I am: in my very first step to my dream. I signed a contract to a job that entitles me to be a one on one physical and behavioral specialist. Helping children thirteen and under who need a little extra TLC. 

Here, two weeks in, I love it. It is exactly where I need to be. Working one on one with little ones to help them see the world a little kinder, lighter and shinier. 

As I plant my roots here, I am learning. I am learning so much about the work force I so badly wanted to be a part of. Every day I work closely with case workers, physical and speech therapists, as well as nurses. Together, we get to change a baby’s world and I love being a part of that journey. 

I can’t wait to become a caseworker, then a social worker. But first, this is where God has me and I am so thankful he chose me. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last two years. I have learned you can be emotional, yet strong minded. You can have empathy, but portray a stern outlook. You can do hard things and feel all the emotions.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." and I strongly believe in those words and always have. That little feeling inside of your chest that doesn't go away? you know, those things you pray for, about, the things that never leave your mind that you want out of life.. those things, God sees. He sees them, hears them and knows them. I don't think it is an accident and I sure as heck don't believe in a God who ignores your dreams.

So with that being said, whatever it is that you have a dream of, you, my dear, are qualified for the job. You are qualified to do the work that is necessary to change the world. You are a miracle worker, whatever it is you want to do, believe it. Believe in it with all your heart and you can do it.

Someone once told me this quote and for years it sat on my desk. I stared at it whenever I woke up in the morning and it motivated me to do my best in all I do and want. It read, “If you can wake up every morning loving what you do, help and inspire others around you to be better than they were yesterday then you know you are doing something right in business and in life.” 

That quote no longer sits on my desk, but I still think about it from time to time and I smile. Because, that is exactly what I get to do: inspire. 

I am so excited for the future and I know where I want to be in the next few years. I see in when I close my eyes and when I bow my head to pray. God, thy will be done.

always, always, always.

XO, J.

SEAT 23A.

 I don’t listen to Taylor Swift anymore. 

I don’t believe in her like I used to. 

I stopped staring at the sunsets on my evening drives because I thought magical moments happened in golden hour but today, I’m not sure magic is fully found there anymore. 

Lately I've been thinking about that girl in me who once wore her heart on her sleeve and how carefree she was. I wish I was still her; but I am not. Although I don't want you to get this idea that I am a coldhearted fool, either; things have just changed inside of me. In the last year, I have fought an internal battle that has taken me months to hand over back to Jesus. It's been a year of ignoring people closest to me, hating God and trying to rid a version of me I didn't want to look at anymore. I have seemingly chosen to see life in a different light nowadays. A life that isn’t made up of hopeless romantic scenarios, glitter and gold.

Today is October 15th. Almost one year to the date and the time everything began to shatter. I hope you stay with me as I tell you my story of the last twelve months. A story I have buried, but one that is ready to see the light and one I am finally ready to burn up in flames. Flames of healing, restoring and redemption.

He said I was the one. And I swore I felt it, too. Every bone in my body thought it. I prayed for it and I truly believed God was speaking in those months. He stole not only my heart, but my body and soul. Everything that I had really prayed for felt suddenly stripped away from me when I woke up that October morning, blinded by everything I fell for. 

I'll always resent October 18th. I knew stepping onto that plane back to LA I was about to experience heartbreak on a brand new level. I can still feel that business man judging me sitting two seats down from me at 23C on that Delta flight as I hysterically sobbed black mascara tears that six hour ride through the night sky.

Six hours of contemplating why I wasn’t enough: good enough to be seen with him and beautiful enough to call me his for once. that was all I wanted.

That day drew a line in the sand. I didn't think it was even possible for me to feel so broken by a person, which now looking back was my first mistake. My mindset in life changed that day and I questioned God to the point of believing if He kept his promises like my little girl self had always thought. But that day taught me the definition of what it really takes to fight for joy and I am now ready to tell the story I have buried for a year. A season in which I cried too much, let go of faith more than I should have, but a season that shaped me into this badass woman I am in this new October, a new year.

A thousand times I have sat at the edge of my bed, trying to write but instead I have cried, hands shaking replaying the words he sent through my phone that I just could not get out of my head. 

If I told you how many times it took me to feel enough strength to write, you wouldn't even believe me.

Although my eyes aren’t dry right now, they are brave. As water keeps filling them and tears stroll down my cheek, I am here taking on this mountain that I have been trying to conquer. 

Writing again. 

And it may not be 100% natural to me today, but I believe to the core of my abilities, they will be once again. 

They say time heals every wound, but I don’t necessarily believe in that. Because time has gone by, but I still cry when I remember the words.

But I do believe God heals battle scars and although me and God don’t really talk much anymore, I know He is still on my team. 

October twenty second was a day I wish I could take back. In fact, that entire weekend I don't really remember too much. I resent myself for things I did that day and for the longest time wrapped shame around my neck.

That weekend spiraled into what became my darkest season yet. I carried around with me that tequila bottle like it was going to solve my feelings. I truly thought it was going to fix my broken heart; drowning my every night in it.  I spent so many of my nights shot after shot, thinking it would give me a smile. and it did for awhile.

I erased my website of ten years and wiped it clean because I couldn’t stand this idea of romanticizing everything life brought me knowing someone left my life because of my words. Knowing I was the main cause of love leaving me.

I kept my mouth shut close and I kept people at arm's length.
I stopped believing people and more so, I stopped believing in myself. 

I trusted the world and it's karma factor more and trusted God even less than I ever have in my life. My faith started to wear thin and I believed He was never for me like people kept telling me He was. 

I was mad that I was called words like innocent and dramatic one too many times that I gave away every innocent part of me to anyone who would numb what I didn't want to feel. I stopped talking much so my drama wouldn't break anything else anymore.

It became so easy for me to use liquor to gain back my confidence again and it was so much more fun to hook up with other guys to forget the one I really wanted to see me. The one I really wanted to want me.

I became a new person.

I acted, thought and talked in a new perspective and honestly, I liked her way more. I liked the way she didn’t give a shit about anything and nobody knew the battle inside but the water flowing from the showerhead every night when her energy ran out. I played it brokenhearted until brokenhearted played me. 

I loved the way the drugs and the high made me feel. I never questioned anything during the midnight hours of losing it all. But soon enough it just left me shattered into pieces on my bathroom floor at 1am on a rainy Tuesday night.

I didn't even know who I was anymore. 

Up, down, left and right led me into the same things. I needed to find that girl again so badly I was willing to do anything to save me. I could not let the numbness bleed through my skin any longer. I just couldn't live faithless, broken, altered. It was just so hard to get back up.

But I tried, and I tried...

After much thought, I decided I needed to just leave LA. I needed to be alone and so I decided to pack up my bags and get on that plane.

I knew Nashville was always a place that made me feel whole. There nobody knew much about me and driving down the backroads I knew Jesus was real. Between the pines, I could feel peace and in the city, lights glisten. I needed to feel that.

So in the middle of March, I found myself on that map dot. And there, I wrote songs about him long enough to make me feel as though they were only songs, not my deepest sorrow, regret and anger. I spent time alone to try to escape the ghosts inside my head screaming that I wasn't beautiful, that I was a disappointment and I released those lies and retraced them back to the point I let them rule me, so I can outrun them.

I knew removing myself from my close friends, my home, my work, my life would teach me something about myself and my deepest hurts; how to keep it all to myself and I learned how much that had to be okay. How to be okay with making my life so private nobody asked me anything anymore. Until one day, nobody did.

The months were long, hard and so lonely. But the months grew me into a better woman and someone stronger than I ever was before. 

I learned how to be, simply me. I learned that the ground isn’t that scary and you must sit long enough in that gravel sand to understand the mountaintop isn’t that far away. 

I made that promise to go back to where I cursed his name like crazy. I had to go back to the place that broke me to feel as if I wasn’t that broken girl anymore, and that I was still made for greater things. So there, back in Carolina I drove the backroads and I replayed, “Church in a Chevy” one last time and said goodbye to the sad tears replacing them with happy ones instead. forgiving ones.

I had to ugly cry, scream into the wind, spin around in the fields and put those damn ole’ cowgirl boots on once again with love for myself and my own heart.

I think that I would have always let him come back in that state of mind. And that is what scared me the most. That I would have done anything for him, even when he wouldn’t do it back for me. 

Some days I find myself wishing he knew how bad it fucked me up. 

The nights I slid my back down the bathroom wall and the tears kept streaming down the bridge of my nose and onto my cheek. 

The days I woke up and told myself I was fine that day as I pushed my demons back into their cage.

The days I felt like a broken record and the long months thinking cigarettes, whiskey or the music turned up so loud it could fix and turn me into a new person. 

But you cannot argue with the wind and you cannot make ghosts from the past come alive again.  and how wrong of me to even want that, to even think that would be okay to hurt someone back. I don't live there anymore and I wish I could hug that girl who hurt so bad.

I believe this year alone shaped me for what is to come. I believe the woman looking into my mirror today is not the same as who she ever was before.

You will never get a miracle if you don't learn how to trust a bit, how to love hard. I had to re-learn the simple things of self love and Jesus. how to properly love - not only people, but myself. especially myself. But i'm here to tell you that it begins with trusting. and it doesn't have to be the hardcore type of trust, but even the 1% goes a long way.

It's funny how much can change in twelve months. I used to think change was tainted, but this new change I feel is only the good kind. The kind that is built of something greater, something brighter, something full of life. I am healthier, inside and out. I am whole and the smile I wear is real. I am more confident than I have felt in years and I am learning how to be unafraid of courage, strength and grit in the most subtle ways.

Most days I cannot think too much about the past year or I grow cold again. I can’t listen to the same music, write in the same journals, hang out with the same people too much or my heart grows a bit weary and sad. 

I’m learning how to do life in a different way and I am growing into a woman who is stronger and more fierce than ever before. 

She is strong, brave and wild. 

She is without fear of the future and she gives herself grace for mistakes made. 

She is whole, loved and merciful. 

She is still learning how to forgive herself, but I think she's doing a great job at it. 

In the midst of learning how to deeply heal, this past year, I did some of the best things. I found my independence and my whole heart. I dedicated myself to the process and the real freaking process is hard. It’s nitty- gritty and most days can look really ugly but the best things blossom from the process. 

I spent most days traveling, seeking and learning. I met so many beautiful people in different places and I smiled more than I ever have before. I found laughter within and I held onto it so tightly.

I graduated from college - finally. With a 4.0, too. I did the damn thing and I realized how much I love working with people, studying, focusing and hearing the needs of those in social services and foster homes. I accepted a new job and I started saving to do something really scary - move out of state. 

In my most quiet moments, I desire more.

It’s been hard to pray, the most honest raw prayers aren’t natural.. especially when it’s been a year since talking to God felt good and authentic. But I am learning that God has always remained faithful even when i've been so faithless.

But sitting here, now in this day, I believe He is doing a new thing and I am trying to understand His plan for me. Even if His plans aren’t my own, I am all in.

So, with the many nights, weeks and days i’ve tried writing this piece, here it is for you.
I am going to start fresh, new and be alive again. 

I’ve missed writing - the solitude that comes with it, the peace I feel in it, and the hope I see in the world when my fingertips touch a keypad and I glance at the sunlight out my window as I write on my laptop. 

I am nothing without my art. I am nothing without one of my favorite parts about me - words. poetry. writing.

I’ve missed being close to people, I miss opening my arms to hug someone and know they actually care. I’ve missed the sensation of feeling the Holy Spirit as i raise my arms in church as the worship set begins to play. I’ve missed listening to country music i’ve once felt the most beauty in. I’ve missed the carefree feeling of dancing in the kitchen and laughing. 

I’ve just missed me. I’ve really freaking missed me.

R.M Drake, (who is my favorite poet) writes, “you have to forgive yourself sometimes. Accept your scars for what they are, and forgive the people who’ve hurt you. That’s how you’ll learn how to breathe and move forward. Maybe that’s how you heal from the past.” 

He is right and I love that he is right.

This new blog isn’t for the past, it’s for the new. the brand new.

But I had to re-live the story I dug so deep into the dirt in order to keep telling you a new story. 

This new space is for redemption. And only that. 

So you will find travel, food, hope, journey, thoughts, letters and pictures. 

 
I am beginning again. 

This time with grit and grace.

I am proud of myself for making it this far. 

I am proud of myself for trying this whole blogging thing again even though it hurts like hell. 

I am thankful you stood with me in this, too.  

Thankful you are going to create a new chapter of life with me.  I am so ready.

I can’t wait to tell you what life is like today. I can’t wait to show you the best parts of me, but also the hard, nitty-gritty real life things, too. I can’t wait to undo all the messy and turn it into beauty with you. 

Hello, I’m jess. And you are welcomed in this space with me.

I hope you stay. 

xo.