13 FOR 31, LOVE.

13 THINGS FOR 31. 

I am a firm believer in the way words matter, so here are 13 things I am taking into this year of life and I hope YOU also can learn from, too. 

1. the anthem for my entire life has always been this: SHOW UP. it's still the same at 31. 
if you want something bad enough, you will show up in whatever it is that looks like. 
you can have excuse after excuse, but at the heart of who we are -- if you want it, step up baby.

2. between the pines are where the best things are. 
the mountains are probably my favorite place in the world to be. Its where I feel my best self, where i see God the most and where I feel the most peace. if I could always be in one place it would be in between the pine trees and fresh air. 

3. being scared IS PART OF LIFE. 
but don't let fear take the driver seat. If something feels scary to you, its probably there to help you grow. I think some times we miss out on the next best thing because we are terrified if we fail. But failure, I have learned, is where we learn to fight. so just do the scary thing and keep doing it until it becomes less frightening, love. 

4. you can start over. 
i was always afraid of this and the belief that what if I made the wrong decision, but what I have realized is that sometimes changing the narrative might end up being way better -- you might like your new story better. 

5. Your parents are people, too. 
it took me a long time to be close to my parents but as I have gotten older, I see it all so much more clearly and the way they, too, are learning life just as much as you are. 
spend time with them and ask them questions -- you will never regret it. 

6. karaoke parties with your friends is needed. 
you don't always need to be serious ... some nights are best when singing is involved. And then, laughing. lots of laughing. 

7. cry it out, babe. 
this last year, i tried my best to not let my sadness about anything get in the way. I kept repeating to myself that its not that serious, i don't need to feel that deep. But that was a lie. sometimes you truly do need to feel a little deeper, cry a little harder and let the tears fall... i always say, "you can have one pity party, but then when you wake up the next day you will continue being the badass you are." 
i still stand by that.

8. ice cream can fix anything. 
I don't know if this sentence really needs an explanation, but I've never been sad when I am eating ice cream. 

9. You are worthy of good things. 
i've always struggled with this one to be honest. in my most raw version of myself, I sometimes don't think i deserve the best, but oh i want it, i dream of it. I try to remind myself that I am worthy of something beautiful, real and honest. some days its hard to believe it, but some days I grasp onto it with both hands so tightly. 

10. cheer for other people like you cheer for yourself. 
I think this one takes some humbling but I think we need to be the type of people who champion others around us and want to see them win, even if that means we aren't. I think there's so much beauty in hoping for others what you hope for yourself. 

11. Psalm 23. repeat it over yourself. 
I got a tattoo of this last month because I so desperately want to make sure i keep reminding myself of these words. I grew up with constant anxiety and wondering if life would ever feel joyful and peaceful again -- this verse kept me grounded in the simple truth that: i lack nothing. 
so if you need any words of truth today -- go look this up. 

12.  let someone in. on purpose. 
after a year of truly healing, i found out that sometimes you really REALLY have to try your hardest to understand that not everyone will hurt you. not everyone is your past and if you take a chance on bravery and courage, you might find out that love is vulnerable and it is worth it. 
so i am trying here... i am trying to be open again. i know it'll be worth it... right? haha 

13. It matters that you are here. 
this line is something I tell every single person i meet. everyone. you matter. because we live in a generation that simply is quite mean, honestly. 
so i repeat this to myself, to others so much that it never leaves their mind. 
I think there is so much damn power in making sure someone else knows that they are worthy of belonging, thay are beautiful and they matter enough in this world to take up space. 
'cause you are. 


if you got through all 13 of my anthems for 31 then thank you for reading. I hope you take these things and can use them, too. 

I hope you know I am rooting for you. 

XO, J.

HERE IS TO THE NEW, MY LOVE.

so here is what I know about change. It's uncomfortable and it's anything but picture perfect. It's driving home at night with tears streaming down your face and it's contemplating your decisions over coffee at 8am, it is everything the internet doesn't show you in the highlight reels. 

Change sounds thrilling when you sit and think about wanting it. But the action of change calls us to be in spaces where we are faced with unfamiliarity and welcome in the new. 

In my early 20s, I was bright, bold and so much of me wanted to be a person who was made for more. 

Lately, God has been tugging at my heart all over again with the same exact words, 
"YOU WERE MADE FOR MORE." 

I've ignored it for quite some time because I've been so damn afraid. I've been terrified of what comes after the, "more" part. 

Stepping into a calling when you don't know what is on the other side takes trust and maybe somewhere along the winding road I kind of forgotten about the blindness in trusting God. 
I have gotten way too comfortable in seeing the next intersection - being very careful about the next direction to take. 

I found a group of friends that felt like home to me, I finally was over the church hurt and began loving where I was in life. 
In fact, I still do have those things, I still love the mapdot but somewhere between blurry lines I've gotten far too okay with being okay. 

I have this saying I repeat over myself and over everyone I come face to face with. 
"show up and then stay." 

I think I thought I did those things and that was done, but I have been learning that those things are new every day. You must repeat them to yourself constantly. 

I write goals for myself every January. Every time the New Year ball drops on Decemeber 31st, I cry a little bit because it's the one time a year every human believes in the new; believes in this idea that they can be a new version of themselves if they really want to. 

and I absolutely love that.
Even if it's not entirely true, we all have this sense of hope that we can create a new beginning if we stick to the process. 

This January 1st, as I began writing down all my goals, dreams and hopes I began to realize that for the last few years, I wasn't bold enough with my goals. 
I was quieting the potential I had inside of me. 
For many reasons in itself, a few for words of hurt a boy left me, and some because I was nervous life would completely change and people would grow distant. 

But this year, the beating in my heart wasn't accidental. 

I am going to be flat out honest here: thirty has been the first year I've felt genuinely brave and free in years. 
There has been a lot of things that convinced me that I need to hide in my softness and so many lies i've let filter through my tongue outwardly making me believe I am too late to my calling. 

Amy Poehler once said, "It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been sorry for," and although I believed in her words, it wasn't until July 2024 did I actually understand the depths of all that.

I had lived my twenties in such a way that I began to get scared to move forward all due to words I let hurt me through the years. I carried them in my back pocket without even realizing how big of an impact it had in my potential to become who I want to be. 

I don't write like I once did before. I rarely share parts of my life with the internet anymore and I have felt slightly judged when I do want to post anything more than a simple text to a photo. 

I have grown so scared to be bold and I truly have neglected the best parts of me. 

I created this blog at twenty to proclaim that I knew my worth and that other women knew their worth. 
I walked so loud and proud that God was in my story and He was in the stories of those who came across my words. 

I need to get back to that girl. 
and slowly, I feel God is doing just that. 
With each prayer, I feel Him gravitating towards my heart and whispering, "you were made for more, J. stop being afraid to start again." 

So I am starting over. it's taken me some self reflection and so many tears, you have no idea. 
I'm doing the things I've been wanting to, praying for, and striving to reach. 
I'm putting to rest the lies that once screamed at me saying if I just stopped writing, if I didn't always open my mouth and live life as an open book, that I will be loved. 

I am tired of quieting my voice at the expense of feeling worthy to another person. I've always been worthy. I've always been loved. 
I need to get back to that girl who let people into her stories. Because stories are where hearts are mended. 

So this is the year I will rise up, this is the year I will teach the childlike faith in me to rise again, to be bold and show up. 

I have decided to serve at a new church again, after eight years of not doing so. I am packing up my bags and I am moving because new scenery is good for the soul. I am saying goodbye to things that make me less like Christ and I am mending things that need to be mended. 

so to end this all, here is what I am going to tell you:

My love, if you've been looking for a reason to shift your direction a little, this is it. 
If you've been praying for the woman or man you hope to become, i am going to tell you to keep on praying for God to swing open doors - He will. 
I pray you would open your arms wide, let God make melodies with the battle cries and try to embrace the new. 

we are entering the part of the new year where the lights aren't shining as bright anymore and things are wearing off, but as the mundane might creep in, I am here to tell you that I know first hand that God does His best work in the nitty and gritty; behind the scenes. 

I am holding your hand and cheering you on, always. 

Because, I, too, am in the midst of an ever changing season. 
But it will be good. 
and You will be good. 

Keep showing up. 

XO, J.

DEAR B, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

Dear B, 
It's been years since I've written you. I guess I haven't because I've been afraid of going past the surface and opening up again. I am terrified to feel deep for the sake of hurting, so I've been ignoring it all. But to be honest, life has been hard and I'm finally crying. I know you said you would always be there for me, so here I am writing to you again. 
When I turned 29, I blew out my candles and said, "29 is going to be good." but to be really freaking honest, 29 has been more of trying to tell myself I am strong. some days my strong looks like understanding the depths and goodness of God and some days strong has looked a lot like having a breakdown on my bedroom floor and letting myself be okay with it. 

But you'd be really proud of me though, B! I have stayed true to who I am through it all and have been trying really hard to not let fear take the driver's seat in the car. It's so easy to confuse fear and intuition - but I have been tackling those words & praying when I am scared to know which it is my heart is beating for.

I have felt a love so deep I didn't think existed, but I have also felt my heart break so deep I also didn't think it existed. 
I have seen more people die in this last year than I ever have before, and I have witnessed so much grief over different things than I even want to admit on this paper. the grief has finally come to the surface in me, B. I thought I dealt with it, but I am realizing I haven't really. 

I don't understand why people leave, B. I don't get why it's so easy for people to say goodbye at night and get up in the morning with no tears in their eyes. I wrote a book this last year about staying in places long enough to root myself in them. When I started to write this book, I questioned whether I wanted people to read it because it was so personal. I got scared again - I didn't want to admit it but I wrote the book because I am still scared that I don't matter enough to people. At the core of who I am, I want someone to call me up and tell me that I am good enough to fight for. I just want to be fought for.
But nobody ever has. 

So I wrote these stories to grapple with the fact that I needed to be that person to me. That if I could be that person to show up for people the way I want people to show up for me - then I could do anything this life throws my way. 

I am about to be 30. In some ways, I am so ready to begin a new decade because there is so much hope I am feeling and in some other ways, I am not ready, I am scared. 
There are things that I wish I had done more of in my twenties but there have been so many triumphs I have sat in, too. 
I gained a grit in me and the heart of Christ lies in me again. 
I am still mourning the future I thought I would have. The one with the house between the pines and his hand in mine. 
But I am hopeful that God is moving mountains in my life, B. I have to believe that my God is a God of miracles, of sweet love stories and He can do what my eyes cannot see. 

The last 2 months have been some of the hardest months. 
I knew as soon as that ball dropped on NYE that I was walking into one of my saddest stories. I stopped getting sloppy drunk, B. I learned my lesson that night, but I don't hold a grudge over myself over that night. My mistakes don't define me, and I have grown to be a woman who takes accountability for things she should not have done or said. 

But I still wish he could have looked me in the eyes and said, "let's fix this" instead. 

I have sat and wondered why i am so replaceable. I have had to fight against the enemy's lies so much the last few months because I know deep in my heart the devil wants me to believe that I am still my past because of that night. 
I know I am not who I once was, but it's hard to look into the mirror some nights. 

I refuse with all my heart to let the enemy win. I know that there are things about me that still get triggered, B. I freaking know that sometimes I let the emotions consume me but it's because I am scared. and that's what happened that night - I knew he would say I was a great woman but something felt off. 

I knew it was coming - because I had already seen that same story before. But I had some hope that maybe, just maybe he would choose me for good this time because maybe he couldn't live without me.  

this time was supposed to be different - it was different. 
But sometimes, you have to bottle up the tears, B. you have to bottle up the tears and just let it be because fighting battles on your knees in prayer matters more than fighting battles with swords & words of regret. 

He matters too much to me to fight back. and he probably always will. I just wish I knew if he felt that way about me sometimes, too. 

You know that song, "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain? I listened to that for days because I wanted to believe that about us, B. I feel kind of dumb, but it made me happy for a while, so I did. 

It brought back some of my joy. 

I've looked at the sunset every night since I've turned 29. There's something to be said about the sky when it compliments hues of pinks, orange and purples. There's a promise I feel when I look up and I believe in victory. 
There's a song called, "Greater Things" by Mack Brock that I have claimed over my twenties. Every time something in my life becomes a little gray, I put it on that song. 

There's been a ton of unknowns that have popped out of the bushes in 2024 already.
Things I can't really tell you in this post - but they are things that have repeatedly left me begging God to show His face soon. 
I don't know if I can take another hit in the face this year, B. I am trying to cling to God in the best ways I can lately. 

I have taken a lot of time this past month to reflect on myself. I started journaling again and I began reading on my quiet times. I went back to the beginning of my twenties and decoded all the ways I have grown and all the ways the seasons have changed and what I need to continue to lean close into. 
I am finally going to start a side business like I've dreamt of - with my best friend. Using my art has always been a dream of mine. 
Creating helps me become a better person. 
I love seeing people's faces light up when they see pretty signs and let me help celebrate the biggest day of their lives. 

I've been saving for an apartment and I have been working out. I have invested in my well being and finally getting sleep again. 

29, they say, is the year you're supposed to find yourself and in all of it's ups and downs, i really did find myself. It's not the way I thought I'd find myself, but I have and for that, I am thankful. 

I am grateful for this last year of my twenties, no matter what. 
I think there is something to be said about ending your twenties with a year that is filled with so much trajectory.
Harry Potter has a quote that says, "Anything's possible with enough nerve" and I have always adored that quote because anything really is possible if you learn how to just push through all the bullshit and all the sad, all the hard... 

I have spent a long time learning about why I do things the way I do and why I feel things a certain way. I have also learned how to see the perspective of others' lives, too. 
It's easy for me to understand people, but maybe that's because I have spent a long time learning to understand myself, too. 
To have an empathy so deep is both a blessing and a curse at the same exact time. 
I am learning, B.. I am learning that even the parts of me that people don't clap for are beautiful. That even when I look into the mirror, I am filled with beauty. 

It's okay to be the kind of woman who reaches for the stars, right B? it's okay. I tell myself it's okay.

I know God has used this year of my life for the greater good - and I must believe in that so boldly. Even if it hurts. 

You will never know how strong and resilient you are until life goes and breaks your heart.
I looked into my car mirror this morning and proclaimed that.
I am strong and I am resilient. 

Gosh, I've missed writing you B. It feels good to write you again. 


XO, J.