A DIFFERENT KIND OF BREATH PRAYER, MY LOVE.

October is my favorite month of the year. 
It's the one month of the entire year that I have always seen the face of Jesus more than the any other month. 
There's something about the change of weather that puts my heart in a space of stillness and this peace that overflows in the chaos of the world. 
Every time October comes around I am always reminded of the miracles that come when you truly sit in the stillness and wait on the Lord. 

as we approach the end of the year, where things get noisy and loud -- I like to refine my mind and heart to turn to moments of quietness. 
We live in such a world where it's so easy to get caught up in the chaos of what is happening around us that I feel we miss what God wants to do in us. 

There's a story in 1 Kings 19 I like to go back to a lot during the fall because it's such a prominent reminder that God whispers in the spaces we least expect it and shows us His guiding hand. In this story, we see Elijah encounter God on Mount Horeb. Elijah finds himself in a cave, where he experiences a profound revelation of God's presence. (V.11-13) After facing immense challenges and threats to his life, he was so desperate and fled as he wanted to die. But on Mount Horeb, God reveled himself to Elijah. Though winds, earthquake and fire were loud, Elijah heard a small voice in it all and The Lord showed up right then and there. I absolutely love this because it's such a reminder that often times God shows up in the gentle and most intimate moments of our lives, when we are forced to pause and reflect through all of life's noise. 

Our world is saturated with constant loudness, it takes so much discernment and discipline to listen for that quiet voice that maybe God wants to show up in. 

THAT is why I love October. It's kind of like the calm before the storm for me. The summer has ended and the winter is near, but we have not quite yet touched the miracles that are about to come, but we are on the tip of all the beauty if we lean closely to the small whisper of His voice. 

I get all these weird butterfly feelings for October. It's like the type of butterflies that feel to me that although this year hasn't been all that I hoped for, that God can still do so much with the last three months if I keep on inviting Him into the corners of my heart without filter. 

To be completely honest here, this year has been one filled with so much hardship. It's rocked my life and it's taught me how to lean on the Truth of Christ more than ever. But it's looked a lot like dying to fleshly self over and over again. 
it's been a lot of repeated prayers and wondering if God even hears me some days. (even though I know He does) but it's like a constant knocking on the door and waiting if He will open it. 

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day about this very thing. How this whole year has looked a lot like not understanding and as much as we've spent so much time in prayer we were just defeated with feeling as if a weariness has flooded over us this past summer. 

as we kept talking through our frustrations I was telling her that sometimes we need to shift the prayer. and maybe all God wants is for us to be honest with Him; like fully honest about what we feel in this moment and maybe we needed to find a new kind of prayer this month.

Lately, the "I don't get it's" of life have been tearing me up and then I thought, maybe that is it. Maybe that's the prayer. 
I DON'T GET IT. 
four simple words. 
That's it. That's the entire prayer. 

it's honest, which I think God loves. 
it's boldness. 
it's raw. 

It's all I think about when I see another tragedy on TV or I get another letdown in life. It's what goes through my mind when someone close to me is hurting or I hear of stories that don't make sense. 

I just don't get it.
so maybe that's the prayer I take to Jesus this October. 
maybe those are the words that open the floodgates for The Lord to open my eyes and for Him to show His face. 

It's kind of like an admission that this life is wild and so much of it is out of our control. And sometimes it feels like our prayers are getting lost in transit. 

This "I DONT GET IT" prayer is a way of coming back to God and saying, " I just don't know and I don't always like it. My heart is weary but I am still here and I am still showing up to the day, I still trust You and who You are." 
and then the bravery, my love, comes after the Amen of that.

I know God can do so much with our simple little prayers. 
and I am really big on breath prayers.
Breath prayers are itty bitty prayers that you recite over and over again while anchoring yourself into the promises of God and His word. 

Timothy Keller says, "All [True] prayer, pursued far enough, becomes praise. Any prayer, no matter how desperate it's origin, no matter how angry and fearful the experiences it traverses, ends up in praise."

and that is so freaking true. 
So now I go back to that story in 1 Kings and I remind myself that I must trust in who God says He is and His power, even when things feel and look different than I expect.
But if we don't indulge ourselves into His word and scripture, than hearing that voice will be tough and so much harder to hear. Because of Elijah's unwavering faith and obedience to God, even in the noise he was able to hear that small voice in the hardship and the confusion. 
I want to be like Elijah. 
So I encourage you this October to just dive into the heart of Jesus fully, letting Him make melodies over your life this Fall. 

Psalm 46:10 says, "be still and know that I am God" 
So this October, find the space to quiet your mind and your heart and create space to hear God's voice. 
I believe God is going to do so much in this month. 
I always do. 
and I always see that. 
So my love, whatever you are praying for, hoping for, waiting on, let go of it and just be honest with The Lord. 
Let your "I don't get it" prayer be loud and let God hold your hand through it. 

keep going, little fighter. 
Keep pressing forth. 
I am cheering you on. 

XO, J.

13 FOR 31, LOVE.

13 THINGS FOR 31. 

I am a firm believer in the way words matter, so here are 13 things I am taking into this year of life and I hope YOU also can learn from, too. 

1. the anthem for my entire life has always been this: SHOW UP. it's still the same at 31. 
if you want something bad enough, you will show up in whatever it is that looks like. 
you can have excuse after excuse, but at the heart of who we are -- if you want it, step up baby.

2. between the pines are where the best things are. 
the mountains are probably my favorite place in the world to be. Its where I feel my best self, where i see God the most and where I feel the most peace. if I could always be in one place it would be in between the pine trees and fresh air. 

3. being scared IS PART OF LIFE. 
but don't let fear take the driver seat. If something feels scary to you, its probably there to help you grow. I think some times we miss out on the next best thing because we are terrified if we fail. But failure, I have learned, is where we learn to fight. so just do the scary thing and keep doing it until it becomes less frightening, love. 

4. you can start over. 
i was always afraid of this and the belief that what if I made the wrong decision, but what I have realized is that sometimes changing the narrative might end up being way better -- you might like your new story better. 

5. Your parents are people, too. 
it took me a long time to be close to my parents but as I have gotten older, I see it all so much more clearly and the way they, too, are learning life just as much as you are. 
spend time with them and ask them questions -- you will never regret it. 

6. karaoke parties with your friends is needed. 
you don't always need to be serious ... some nights are best when singing is involved. And then, laughing. lots of laughing. 

7. cry it out, babe. 
this last year, i tried my best to not let my sadness about anything get in the way. I kept repeating to myself that its not that serious, i don't need to feel that deep. But that was a lie. sometimes you truly do need to feel a little deeper, cry a little harder and let the tears fall... i always say, "you can have one pity party, but then when you wake up the next day you will continue being the badass you are." 
i still stand by that.

8. ice cream can fix anything. 
I don't know if this sentence really needs an explanation, but I've never been sad when I am eating ice cream. 

9. You are worthy of good things. 
i've always struggled with this one to be honest. in my most raw version of myself, I sometimes don't think i deserve the best, but oh i want it, i dream of it. I try to remind myself that I am worthy of something beautiful, real and honest. some days its hard to believe it, but some days I grasp onto it with both hands so tightly. 

10. cheer for other people like you cheer for yourself. 
I think this one takes some humbling but I think we need to be the type of people who champion others around us and want to see them win, even if that means we aren't. I think there's so much beauty in hoping for others what you hope for yourself. 

11. Psalm 23. repeat it over yourself. 
I got a tattoo of this last month because I so desperately want to make sure i keep reminding myself of these words. I grew up with constant anxiety and wondering if life would ever feel joyful and peaceful again -- this verse kept me grounded in the simple truth that: i lack nothing. 
so if you need any words of truth today -- go look this up. 

12.  let someone in. on purpose. 
after a year of truly healing, i found out that sometimes you really REALLY have to try your hardest to understand that not everyone will hurt you. not everyone is your past and if you take a chance on bravery and courage, you might find out that love is vulnerable and it is worth it. 
so i am trying here... i am trying to be open again. i know it'll be worth it... right? haha 

13. It matters that you are here. 
this line is something I tell every single person i meet. everyone. you matter. because we live in a generation that simply is quite mean, honestly. 
so i repeat this to myself, to others so much that it never leaves their mind. 
I think there is so much damn power in making sure someone else knows that they are worthy of belonging, thay are beautiful and they matter enough in this world to take up space. 
'cause you are. 


if you got through all 13 of my anthems for 31 then thank you for reading. I hope you take these things and can use them, too. 

I hope you know I am rooting for you. 

XO, J.

HERE IS TO THE NEW, MY LOVE.

so here is what I know about change. It's uncomfortable and it's anything but picture perfect. It's driving home at night with tears streaming down your face and it's contemplating your decisions over coffee at 8am, it is everything the internet doesn't show you in the highlight reels. 

Change sounds thrilling when you sit and think about wanting it. But the action of change calls us to be in spaces where we are faced with unfamiliarity and welcome in the new. 

In my early 20s, I was bright, bold and so much of me wanted to be a person who was made for more. 

Lately, God has been tugging at my heart all over again with the same exact words, 
"YOU WERE MADE FOR MORE." 

I've ignored it for quite some time because I've been so damn afraid. I've been terrified of what comes after the, "more" part. 

Stepping into a calling when you don't know what is on the other side takes trust and maybe somewhere along the winding road I kind of forgotten about the blindness in trusting God. 
I have gotten way too comfortable in seeing the next intersection - being very careful about the next direction to take. 

I found a group of friends that felt like home to me, I finally was over the church hurt and began loving where I was in life. 
In fact, I still do have those things, I still love the mapdot but somewhere between blurry lines I've gotten far too okay with being okay. 

I have this saying I repeat over myself and over everyone I come face to face with. 
"show up and then stay." 

I think I thought I did those things and that was done, but I have been learning that those things are new every day. You must repeat them to yourself constantly. 

I write goals for myself every January. Every time the New Year ball drops on Decemeber 31st, I cry a little bit because it's the one time a year every human believes in the new; believes in this idea that they can be a new version of themselves if they really want to. 

and I absolutely love that.
Even if it's not entirely true, we all have this sense of hope that we can create a new beginning if we stick to the process. 

This January 1st, as I began writing down all my goals, dreams and hopes I began to realize that for the last few years, I wasn't bold enough with my goals. 
I was quieting the potential I had inside of me. 
For many reasons in itself, a few for words of hurt a boy left me, and some because I was nervous life would completely change and people would grow distant. 

But this year, the beating in my heart wasn't accidental. 

I am going to be flat out honest here: thirty has been the first year I've felt genuinely brave and free in years. 
There has been a lot of things that convinced me that I need to hide in my softness and so many lies i've let filter through my tongue outwardly making me believe I am too late to my calling. 

Amy Poehler once said, "It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been sorry for," and although I believed in her words, it wasn't until July 2024 did I actually understand the depths of all that.

I had lived my twenties in such a way that I began to get scared to move forward all due to words I let hurt me through the years. I carried them in my back pocket without even realizing how big of an impact it had in my potential to become who I want to be. 

I don't write like I once did before. I rarely share parts of my life with the internet anymore and I have felt slightly judged when I do want to post anything more than a simple text to a photo. 

I have grown so scared to be bold and I truly have neglected the best parts of me. 

I created this blog at twenty to proclaim that I knew my worth and that other women knew their worth. 
I walked so loud and proud that God was in my story and He was in the stories of those who came across my words. 

I need to get back to that girl. 
and slowly, I feel God is doing just that. 
With each prayer, I feel Him gravitating towards my heart and whispering, "you were made for more, J. stop being afraid to start again." 

So I am starting over. it's taken me some self reflection and so many tears, you have no idea. 
I'm doing the things I've been wanting to, praying for, and striving to reach. 
I'm putting to rest the lies that once screamed at me saying if I just stopped writing, if I didn't always open my mouth and live life as an open book, that I will be loved. 

I am tired of quieting my voice at the expense of feeling worthy to another person. I've always been worthy. I've always been loved. 
I need to get back to that girl who let people into her stories. Because stories are where hearts are mended. 

So this is the year I will rise up, this is the year I will teach the childlike faith in me to rise again, to be bold and show up. 

I have decided to serve at a new church again, after eight years of not doing so. I am packing up my bags and I am moving because new scenery is good for the soul. I am saying goodbye to things that make me less like Christ and I am mending things that need to be mended. 

so to end this all, here is what I am going to tell you:

My love, if you've been looking for a reason to shift your direction a little, this is it. 
If you've been praying for the woman or man you hope to become, i am going to tell you to keep on praying for God to swing open doors - He will. 
I pray you would open your arms wide, let God make melodies with the battle cries and try to embrace the new. 

we are entering the part of the new year where the lights aren't shining as bright anymore and things are wearing off, but as the mundane might creep in, I am here to tell you that I know first hand that God does His best work in the nitty and gritty; behind the scenes. 

I am holding your hand and cheering you on, always. 

Because, I, too, am in the midst of an ever changing season. 
But it will be good. 
and You will be good. 

Keep showing up. 

XO, J.